It’s 2022.

I am someone who loves a New Year. I love reflecting back at the end of a year and looking forward at the start of a new one. (Sidenote: I recommend Jennie Allen’s annual Dream Guide to anyone looking for a good tool to help you reflect back.)

Part of me wants to write a whole bunch of wisdom, advice and encouragement to spur you on at the start of this New Year. I want to write something that screams: “Go, go, go! You can do it! You got this!”

But, honestly, I’m starting the year sighing: “Bleugh!”

I’m sat in a cold Starbucks, and I don’t know what to say to you other than: “Bleugh!”

I’ve been trying to motivate myself: I’ve downloaded a new book, I bought a cool course about mapping my week to help me stay focused and intentional…

But I feel like I’ve lost a bit of sparkle. Forgotten my purpose, maybe?

Whatever the cause, I am off-kilter. Unburdened. Bored, perhaps?

In this state, I felt like God prompted me to read the book of Esther in the bible.

The book of Esther is divided into 10 parts. Part 1 sets the scene:

It was in the days of Ahasuerus (Xerxes) who reigned from India to Ethiopia (Cush) over 127 provinces, in those days when King Ahasuerus sat on his royal throne which was at the citadel in Susa [the capital of the Persian Empire], in the third year of his reign he held a banquet for all his officials and his attendants. The army officers of Persia and Media, the nobles and the officials of the provinces were there in his presence. And he displayed the riches of his glorious kingdom and the splendor of his great majesty for many days, 180 days in all.

Esther 1: 1 – 4, AMP.

Basically, this king is rich. He’s powerful. He’s got a lot of power according to the world at that time.

Yet, something happens to upset this king. He summons his wife, Queen Vashti, and she refuses His request:

“[B]ring Queen Vashti before the king, wearing her royal crown (high turban), to display her beauty before the people and the officials, for she was lovely to see. But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s command, which was delivered [to her] by the eunuchs. So the king became extremely angry and burned with rage.”

Esther 1: 11-12, AMP.

The amplified bible footnotes read:

According to Jewish tradition Ahasuerus’ guests demanded that Vashti be naked, except for her royal turban to confirm that she was the queen and not just a servant-girl. She pleaded with Ahasuerus using several arguments, one of which was that if the guests found her beautiful, they would want to ravish her and kill him; and if not, her lack of beauty would disgrace him.

Vashti was probably scared. She was scared of what the kings guests would think of her, scared of what would happen to her, as a result of responding to the demand of her husband. I think her feelings were absolutely valid here.

But, what struck me is this: Vashti stopped at fear. She had real fears – totally understandable to you and I. But she stopped at fear and did not consult God. (Spoiler alert: Later, in the book of Esther, we see another woman fast for three days before approaching the king with her request.)

In my own situation, Vashti’s response makes me think: I will not stop here. I will not stop in: “Bleugh!”

I think it is time to wait on God before I do anything else. Before my next move. Waiting on Him means He has to come through. It means we trust. It means we don’t try fix things. It means we give back the next steps to Him, instead of trying to ordain them ourselves.

Of course, Vashti’s refusal fills the king with rage. He begins to fear that all women in his kingdom will start to disobey their husbands:

For the queen’s conduct will become known to all women, causing them to look on their husbands with contempt (disrespect), since they will say, ‘King Ahasuerus commanded Queen Vashti to be brought before him, but she did not come.’

Esther 1: 17, AMP.

His response is to gather a bunch of wise officials who all agree that Queen Vashti must never be allowed in the king’s presence again. What’s more, her position as queen is offered to another: “[Someone] who is better and more worthy than she.” Esther 1: 19, AMP, my brackets.

This part of the story made me think: Who is watching me? The king was worried about the influence Vashti held over other women. People were watching her, as a role model. She was a leader. He knew that. So, before I do whatever it is that I am going to do this year, I want to be aware of the people watching me.

• Are they seeing me pour out my feelings at God’s feet, or are they seeing my emotions lead?
• Are they seeing me honour God before trying to satisfy my own needs?
• Are they seeing me trust in God’s protection, or are they seeing me trying to protect myself?

Here is the point of this post: I am entering 2022 with a sigh of: “Bleugh!” And my feelings are completely valid – 2021 was still marked by a global pandemic, I have burnt out and struggled to adjust to life as a mother of two little ones.

But all these things God cares about. All these things can be taken to Him. All my sighs and the stress in my shoulders, He wants to take it all.

Yes, I’m entering into 2022 feeling a little weary. But I am entering into 2022 with a good and faithful father God who is always ready to listen to his baby girl.

I’m here in a New Year with a good father who is ever-ready for my sighs and my honesty.

I’m sitting alongside Jesus – a great friend that handles my disappointment carefully and turns it into joy.

Let the first part of Esther serve as a reminder to you and I that, when we are feeling stagnant, fed up and “Bleugh!” – God cares.

And it is God that you need to go to. In honesty, in fear and in disappointment.

If you don’t know how, kneel and sigh and let the word “Bleugh!” roll off your tounge before Him.

I will carry on looking at Esther 2 in my next blog post. Happy New Year to you and your weary but beautiful soul!