When I first met Jesus, it was wild.

I constantly sang worship songs, in my university bedroom. I went to a big church which had an amazing, live band, every Sunday. I encountered God in miraculous ways: pictures, visions and words of knowledge. I saw people healed and I was swept up in this world of wow conferences and gifted speakers.

I loved every second. I was so hungry for all God was doing, I just wanted more.

I felt free and alive, even though there were definite struggles in my life.

Fast forward eight years. I am a stay at home mum with one toddler and one baby, due soon. My country has been locked down, due to a global pandemic. I don’t sing worship songs in my bedroom, for hours on end. I don’t physically go to church, with a big, live worship band. I don’t get to physically see many healings, or travel to wow conferences.

Yet, God is still with me. And He still wants me to feel free and alive.

Over the past two weeks, I have had moments in which I’ve lived in the following:

• Fear of man (In other words, caring about what others think over what God thinks.)
• People pleasing,
• Shame,
• Guilt,
• Striving,
• Self-criticism,
• Condemnation,
• Self-hatred,
• Fear,
• Love of Money,
• Selfishness,
• Doubt,
• Manipulation,
• Unbelief and
• Disobedience.

These things don’t make me feel free or alive.

Despite feeling drawn to all of the above, God has been doing something that baffles me…

He’s been really kind to me.

It started last week on my 29th birthday, 2^nd March 2021. God asked me to do something and I chickened out. You could say I was disobedient.

Yet, straight after my disobedience I clearly felt God say to me: “Don’t beat yourself up about your disobedience. Don’t feel guilty.”

It was like He immediately said: “I forgive you. Now, live in my freedom. I love you.”

I had a few more moments after that, in which I knew God was asking me to do something, yet I chose to be disobedient…

Moments in which I cared more about my phone than what He was saying to me. Moments in which I chose to stress out and dwell on lies. Honestly – there were moments in which I was downright sinful, just deliberately walking away from all God had for me. Still, it felt like God kept whispering: “It’s O.K, I forgive you. Now, live in my freedom. I love you.”

And then something weird happened. Something that you might say is coincidence, but I know in my heart that it is God’s way of making His point loud and clear…

Cakes and treats started showing up.

I’d have mornings of being angry and cross and stressed-out and disobedient… and then someone would pop round with a delicious gluten-free, lactose-free treat.

This happened three times. And on those days I’d sit down with a cup of joy, and I would just feel God’s presence – like the sweetest kindness that almost made me tear up.

On the days without cake surprises, unexpected gifts and surprises were flooding through my door, in various ways.

Mid-week I heard God say:

“I am always there with my kindness reaching out to you – that is why the enemy has lost his sting.

You can be totally real with me and I will be totally kind to you. My mercy is new every single morning. (See Lamentations 3:22 – 23, ESV.)

There is nothing that shocks me.

Let me surprise you.”

I was reminded of this verse:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38 – 39, NIV.

God told me that He wants me woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of Him (See Colossians 2: 2-4, MSG.)

Fast forward to this present moment, it’s now the weekend.

After another lush cake treat last night, I sit before Jesus and I feel drawn to say sorry. To repent.

I lift my hands in the air and I am so aware that Jesus loves me so much. That even though I’d made all sorts of mistakes, He loves me in my brokenness. Not after I sort my brokenness out – but right here, in the middle of all my selfish moments and my hard-heartedness, He loves me.

I’ve spent the morning asking Jesus to set me free from these things:

• Fear of man (In other words, caring about what others think over what God thinks.)
• People pleasing,
• Shame,
• Guilt,
• Striving,
• Self-criticism,
• Condemnation,
• Self-hatred,
• Fear,
• Love of Money,
• Selfishness,
• Doubt,
• Manipulation,
• Unbelief and
• Disobedience.

As I’ve prayed, I been feeling free and alive. Just as I used to, eight years ago.

And I wanted to share the story of my week with you, because I wonder if you are surrendering to his kindness?

I wonder – are you are letting Jesus love you, through your brokenness?

• Maybe you’ve switched your surrender for striving.
• Maybe you’ve switched your worship music for an anthem of self-criticism.
• Maybe you’ve forgotten that you were made to feel free and alive, in Christ.

I have it on my heart to encourage you: Let His kindness break down your walls. Let Him love you in your brokenness, in your questions and in your confusion. Let Him love you, even though you have messed up this week.

There is a verse in Romans that reads:

 […] Are you [actually] unaware or ignorant [of the fact] that God’s kindness leads you to repentance [that is, to change your inner self, your old way of thinking—seek His purpose for your life]?

Romans 2:4, AMP, shortened.

Don’t be unaware of His kindness. Surrender to it. Let it do its thing in you. Let it pull you towards God.

His kindness is: even in our brokenness He loves us.

His kindness is: even when we mess up, He has immediate forgiveness for us to accept.

His kindness is: His mercies are new every morning.

This week, God’s kindness has made me feel free and alive.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that He wants you to feel the same.