This week has been tough.

It began with uncertainty. My husband went back to work, after a two-week break. I was anxious to embrace my role as a stay-at-home-mum, not knowing what this term would entail. Threats of a national lockdown were imminent, so my plans were unclear. Would I be allowed to meet other mums for playdates?

I tried to take things day by day. By Monday evening, it was official – our government had closed non-essential shops, schools and cafes and advised everyone in England to stay at home.

So, Tuesday morning, I set out with my daughter on a journey to our local supermarket. Pram-bound, she ate breadsticks, whilst I scrambled around the supermarket, looking for blueberries and chicken!

Wednesday – I took my girl to the park. She walked slowly and I followed… pushing her pink toy pram and plastic baby!

Thursday was another walk, lunch, nap and playdough experience!

By Friday, I knew I wasn’t thinking straight. It was like Groundhog Day – morning trip to the park, followed by a measly attempt to get my daughter to eat her lunch. Afternoon involved mum-guilt, pregnancy backache, nappy-changes building Duplo trains! (Plus, I burnt one of my favourite Christmas presents on the hob…)

It’s not that I don’t like spending time with my daughter, I absolutely love her. But, without variety, adult company and rest, my mind was racing…

• I was mentally beating myself up because my daughter wasn’t eating her lunches, but was frequently demanding chocolate and television.
• I was anxious about my social media usage and time spent on my phone.
• I was worrying about my own terrible diet (which has largely included leftover mince pies and vegan butter on toast…)

Simply put, my mind was drawn to think on all the ways I was failing.

I wasn’t focusing on the two answered prayers I’d enjoyed that week. I wasn’t celebrating the breakthroughs, or the good stuff. I was back to isolation. Back to dwelling on self-criticism. Back to believing that everyone was coping better than I was. Back to little me and my big, whirring brain.

As soon as my daughter was tucked in for Friday bedtime, I cried. I cried buckets!

And I realised that the error of my ways had nothing to do with bad parenting, too much internet, or a poor diet.

The problem is in my mind. The problem is my tendency to believe that I am a failure who needs to earn her way into good things. I believe lies that say: “I am in a competition and everyone is doing better than me. People are doing things for God that I am not doing. People are getting things from God that I am not getting. Therefore I must not pleasing God. I must be failing.”

Sadly, this way of thinking has become a mental stronghold for me.

A stronghold is where a certain way of thinking has become firmly established. It also relates to a physical stronghold – a castle or a place of security that is difficult for opponents to attack.

Strongholds are thoughts that have possibly developed in childhood. Thoughts that you have let spin around your brain, for years and years.

But – even though strongholds are difficult to break – the bible says they can be broken:

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

2 Corinthians 10: 4-5, NIV, my exaggeration.

This is good news! These verses basically say that you and I can demolish my mental strongholds by going to God and bringing those thoughts before Him. God can help me transform my thinking so that I don’t stay stuck in a self-critical mind set. God can help you do the same!

We can pray, worship and read scripture. We can spend time with God and be honest with Him. Little by little those lies will come crashing down. Not by our own effort – but by God’s grace.

So, last night, in the aftermath of my tears, I wrote down a few words to pass onto you. If you are also in a mental mess, if you are tempted to over-function and freak out, like I did… this is for you:

Today, you don’t need another preach.

You don’t need advice, or a step-by-step.

Right now, you don’t need another self-help book, another new-year’s resolution, or another discipline.

(You don’t need chocolate or crisps either!)

You don’t need your partner’s help in this moment.

You don’t need to urgently text that friend back, or scroll through another person’s life.

Listen: you don’t need to think about all the things you are doing wrong. Instead, you need to think about all the things God is doing right.

He is faithful.

He can be trusted.

He will provide for you a way out of your mental struggle.

(He will also be right there with you, even in the midst of your struggle.)

He loves you. His love is constant and boundless towards you.

No matter what you do, His love will remain.

He will do things for you that you simply cannot do on your own.

He will deliver you, defend you and help you.

(He IS delivering you, defending you and helping you!)

He is NOT condemning you, criticizing you or wishing that you would just try harder…

He is worthy of every last drop of praise that you could ever offer Him. So offer what you have – whether tears, honesty, heartache or song…

You can surrender your strength to the One who is really strong…

(The One who holds you, just as you are. The One who loves you, more than you know.)

Things will change for the better. But, not by your strength – by His.

Not by your effort – but by His promise.

Not because you held it all together – but because He’s got the whole world in His hands!

He is good. And He is working all things together for your good.

Wait and see.