At the beginning of 2020, I felt to pray for the year ahead. During my prayer time, I felt drawn to one, small word: “Content.”

As a result, I created three hopes for the year. They were:

1. To be more content.
2. To create more content.
3. To read more content.

Of course, like any good goal-setter, I pursued each one practically:

1. I bought a gratitude journal.
2. I started writing – and publishing – blog posts.
3. I purchased some brilliant books and began setting time to actually read any un-thumbed pages on my bookcase!

Despite my well-planned goals, I struggled to actually feel content. In fact, my journaling, writing and reading only led me to realise that I was really struggling with discontentment in my heart.

Truth is, I was wrestling with disappointment. I couldn’t seem to get past this lie that rattled around my head, telling me that I didn’t have enough faith to please God.

In short, I felt as though I had let God down by not having enough faith in certain situations. I felt as though every other Christian had more faith than I did. I reasoned that they believed things, which I couldn’t, therefore they experienced more favour, more blessing – more “good stuff!”

This little lie grew and grew. Sure, I prayed daily. But underlying every prayer was this struggle. This feeling that God wasn’t as pleased with me, as He was with others. I felt like the only Christian who had ever messed up. It affected my mood, my mental health and it robbed me of joy.

There were days where I would get up with my daughter and spend all day worrying about what to do – what was the “right thing” to do, in order to please God? I constantly felt like I would make the wrong decisions and let Him down. I was the failure, He was a perfect God – which, in my mind, meant that He was impossible to please.

I can’t tell you exactly when, but I started to question the lie in my mind. Talking to friends, mentors and councillors certainly helped.

Little by little I started to remember who God was. He wasn’t some un-pleasable man in the sky. He wasn’t someone that I needed to strive for.

Trusting God didn’t look like ignoring the discontentment in my heart. Trusting God didn’t look like a perfect life, free from trauma or pain.

Trusting God required me to believe in His goodness, no matter my circumstances. Trusting God required me to believe in His goodness, even when I didn’t get what I prayed for.

Trusting God in December 2020 looks like me being broken and Jesus daily putting me back together again!

2020 has taught me that contentment comes from a real and raw relationship with Jesus. And, honestly, before 2020 I thought I knew what a real and raw relationship with Jesus was. I thought I had it nailed!

I have a sneaky suspicion that I am not the only one who has had a tough year. 2020 has been all kinds of unknown, all kinds of unusual.

I also have a feeling that I won’t be the only blogger writing a December post containing stories and lessons from 2020’s battleground.

But, as I sit at a coffee shop table, imagining you were here in front of me, I just want to take a moment to remind you of a few true things that maybe you and I could carry into 2021…

Faith isn’t striving…

So stop beating yourself up because you feel that you are not “believing hard enough.” Stop kicking yourself every time you feel that your prayers are not being answered. It’s not up to you to answer your prayers!

Thankfully, being faithful to God doesn’t require you to be perfect. Jesus is the perfection we seek. 2 Corinthians says:

“[God] made Christ who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that in Him we would become the righteousness of God [that is, we would be made acceptable to Him and placed in a right relationship with Him by His gracious lovingkindness.]”

2 Corinthians 5:21, AMP, my addition in bold.

Faith is accepting this truth. Faith isn’t your attempt to live an unblemished life, it is a broken life restored by God.

Trust isn’t ignorance…

I was reading the Bible this week. In Matthew 4 the author writes a story about Jesus in the wilderness. It says:

“Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit in the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.”

Matthew 4 1-3, ESV.

I’ve read this story before. But, for the first time ever, I started to picture what it must have been like for Jesus to be hungry and desperate like that.

I think I forget that He was human. Sure, He was God, but He was God in the flesh. He was born to a woman, just like we were. He had skin and eyes and legs and a hungry stomach – just like we do.

He was tempted by the devil, just like we are. Just like I was, this past year. He was tempted to believe the devils lies. He was tempted to give in, just for a loaf of bread, because He was so hungry. I imagine those stones looked like bread to his hungry eyes!

What got Him out of that tricky situation? Why didn’t He give in to the devil?

I believe He stayed in relationship with God. I don’t think He denied that He was hungry. I think He was hungry and tired and honest about it.

Sometimes we try to stick a plaster over our struggles. But I challenge you to be honest about them. I’m not giving you permission to be negative all day, every day. I am asking you – do you bring all your fears to God? Do you bring all those rattling thoughts before Him? Is there something you just need to talk to Jesus about right now? Sit with those questions for a sec.

Contentment is a heart issue…

I started this blog post telling you that 2020 began with my noble goal-setting pursuit for contentment. I want to finish this post by telling you that I didn’t find contentment in filling out my gratitude journal, writing this blog or reading. Sure, those things are all good. But they are good because they are all done in relationship with Jesus. Ultimately, knowing Him and just being in relationship with Him has helped me to be content.

Being content is not easy for me! I struggle with a real desire to be anything but content! I want to compare myself and I want to strive. Those things are coping mechanisms that I’ve practiced for a lot of years!

But on the days where I seek Jesus – whatever that looks like – those are the days on which I can say I am truly content. Some days I seek Him weeping, some days I seek Him in creating, or writing.

I don’t know where your relationship with Jesus is at. I don’t pretend to have a clue whether you love Him or feel distant from Him. But I can promise you that one small step towards Him will leave you feeling content – regardless of how December 2020 looks for you. Some of you reading this are separated from loved ones, isolated and fed up. I can’t change your circumstances. But, telling Jesus about your circumstances will make all the difference. That, I am sure of.

So, from across the coffee table, I just want to remind you that there is nothing as precious as the relationship you have with God. Pursue that relationship. Don’t quit! And while I can’t foot the bill for your coffee or grab your hand and offer my empathy, I can type the words “Merry Christmas” and I can pray for your new year:

“Dear God,

I pray that whoever reads this would encounter your love for them in personal and unique ways, over the coming days. I pray that they would find fulfillment and contentment in your eyes, as 2021 begins and forever after. Amen.”