In Spring 2018 I attended a popular Christian women’s conference.

During this 3-day event, I decided to pop in to the gift shop and have a look around.

I wasn’t really looking to buy anything in particular, especially not for myself.

Yet, immediately, I saw a wall print that had one, large word written across it: “HOPE.”

On close inspection, the print also displayed a definition of hope:

“To have faith for the future and expect something greater. To trust, believe and dream.”

I grabbed hold of the print, receiving it as a prophetic word. Something in me knew that I needed to hold onto that word. I needed to frame it, put it on the wall and trust in whatever God was about to do in me. It felt like God was giving me what I needed for the season ahead.

In the years that followed, I became a mum.

Becoming a mum was a dream that I had held in my heart, since I was a very little girl. As a toddler I ‘mothered’ all plastic dolls and would frequently put my brother – or boys from our neighbourhood – in toy prams, so that I could push them about!

Needless to say, having my own, real-life baby and watching her grow has brought me so much joy!

Yet pregnancy and childbirth wasn’t easy for me. In fact, over the past two years, I have struggled. I faced an underlying, embarrassing illness and a traumatic labour. I have questioned God and I have been angry at God, as I’ve battled with unanswered prayers.

I have also felt spiritually attacked, throughout these past two years. My mind has often been full, swimming with lies and doubt. At times it has seemed all-consuming.

Yet, in all of that time, I have learnt something about hope. Something that I wish I had known sooner…

You can’t force hope. You can’t struggle for it and strive for it. You can’t make hope happen.

You receive it from God.

You can only receive hope from God.

Annoyingly (!) hope is like grace. It goes against everything that my productive, hard-working flesh wants to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that being productive is a sin! I have written before about the benefits of being a driven individual.

What I am saying is that I thought hope was something you had to work towards. I previously thought of hope as a verb; a doing word! In the past, hoping was not a word that implied standing still, to me.

To me, hoping looked a bit like wishing.

Traditionally, when making a wish at a well, you have to throw some money into the well in order that your wish will “come true!” Alternatively, you can blow out candles or break a specific animal bone so that your wish may come to pass…

I remember birthdays squeezing my eyes tight, desperately trying to make my wish come true… and then disappointment would come when my wish didn’t “happen.”

My thoughts: “Maybe I didn’t wish hard enough… maybe I should have tried harder…”

Similarly, when I was pregnant, I tried so hard to memorize bible verses and pray hard! I was praying for underlying conditions to heal, for a straightforward birth…

But, when prayers weren’t answered, familiar thoughts of blame were triggered: “Maybe I didn’t wish hard enough… maybe I should have tried harder…”

The bible says:

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

Hebrews 6:19 – 20, NIV.

Hope is an anchor. Firm and secure. It’s not something that we need to chase. It doesn’t come by praying harder.

In fact: you’ll find it in the inner sanctuary. In the very presence of God – that’s where you’ll gain hope.

What you need to understand about this verse is that before Jesus came to earth, the only people who could experience the presence of God were priests. They entered the inner sanctuary of the Temple, on behalf of the people – this was the only way they could access God’s voice. This inner sanctuary was hidden behind temple walls and curtains and was basically inaccessible to normal people, like you and me.

But Jesus died on a cross removing the consequence of our sin; cleaning us and making us right with God. He was raised to life and all who believe in Him have direct access to the very presence of God.

If you believe in Jesus and have accepted Him as your saviour, He replaces the temple priests and gives you direct access to God’s voice.

What this means is; you can come before God empty.

You can come to God with disappointment, sin, frustration, anger, bitterness and you can just give it all to Jesus. He will exchange all of your mess for HOPE. He gives you hope, as a gift, direct from the Father.

So hope is not something to strive for. In fact, hope is something that is beyond all the striving and stress.

It’s about coming to Jesus, letting Him take away all of your “stuff” and then listening to His hope-filled words and life-giving promises.

It’s about telling Jesus when you are striving. Telling Him when you are stressed out and disappointed with all the negative thoughts that have come your way.

It’s about giving Him every last negative thought. Writing them all down, or crying them all out. You can shout and rant and moan at Jesus – because He is alive and listening. He’s close.

What I have learnt is this: hope is not born of the wish family. It is often birthed in despair, in a well of messy tears, at the feet of Jesus.

In fact, there is a story in the bible about a woman who literally cries on Jesus’ feet!

Afterward, a Jewish religious leader named Simonasked Jesus to his home for dinner. Jesus accepted the invitation. When he went to Simon’s home, he took his place at the table.

In the neighbourhood there was an immoral woman of the streets, known to all to be a prostitute. When she heard about Jesus being in Simon’s house, she took an exquisite flask made from alabaster, filled it with the most expensive perfume, went right into the home of the Jewish religious leader, and knelt at the feet of Jesus in front of all the guests.Broken and weeping, she covered his feet with the tears that fell from her face. She kept crying and drying his feet with her long hair. Over and over she kissed Jesus’ feet. Then she opened her flask and anointed his feet with her costly perfume as an act of worship.

Luke 7: 36-38, TPT.

The story concludes:

Then Jesus said to the woman at his feet, “All your sins are forgiven.”

All the dinner guests said among themselves, “Who is the one who can even forgive sins?”

Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith in me has given you life. Now you may leave and walk in the ways of peace.”

Luke 7: 48 – 50, TPT.

I love how this woman comes to Jesus, knowing who He is. Knowing that He is the one who paid the price for her brokenness. Knowing that by laying her mess down at His feet, He will give her life.

What He gives her is hope. All her sins are forgiven and now she can leave and walk in the ways of peace.

A gift.

A fresh start. A word that she didn’t strive for. She just surrendered to who He was and all He had to give her.

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour listing disappointment after disappointment on paper. This year has been full of let downs and struggle that I have been unknowingly holding onto in my heart.

Yet, I shared those frustrations with Jesus I felt His presence. His compassion. His “yeah, that does suck. That’s never what I planned for you, Beth. I am so sorry you had to go through that.”

The bible says:

For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:14, NIV.

Jesus is so compassionate and merciful to us. He remembers that we created from dust. And the fact that He knows how we are formed means He totally gets us. We are not a mystery to Him!

Here’s the thing: every time I laid down a disappointment on paper that day, a fresh thought or a new idea or a feeling of excitement started to give way in me. I felt lighter.

I started to hear the voice of God, again.

And He was giving me hope.

He told me that there were exciting things coming my way. He gave me new, creative ideas for this season. He was Jesus – the wonderful, living saviour that always takes my mess and hands me a fist full of joy in return.

This is what I believe to be true: you cannot stir up hope in your own heart without first going to Jesus.

You cannot sugar-coat a messy head with positive thinking. You have to get the mess out of your head and give it to a God who will actually clean your messy head and fill it with true wonder. Steadfast hope. Security. Peace that surpasses understanding.

I am writing this because I want you to know that not everyone finds hope easy.

Being hopeful doesn’t always feel like my default setting. I’m not always in a hopeful mood.

Quite often, I have to come before Jesus and cry! I have to tell Him that I am angry and disappointed and hurt. And broken.

That’s when He ushers in with his hope gift. That is when I see His face and I know in my heart of hearts that He is true. He is exactly who He says He is. As I write this, tears are in my eyes because I know in my inmost being that Jesus is everything you and I have been searching and hoping for.

Only through this kind of personal surrender can you truly get hope. This kind of face to face encounter with Jesus will birth hope in you that you won’t be able to get rid of. It will mark you for life.

Hope is an anchor found in the presence of God; found in Jesus. Go before Him today with all you are, all your mess. Don’t hold back and you will experience a gift like no other.

I’m excited for you! And I pray you would let His hope steady you. Hold onto it, just as I grabbed onto that framed print in a conference gift shop, two years ago. The realness of hope is a gift for you to treasure forever.