I started 2023 knowing that my husband and I were going to try for a third baby, yet also knowing that we were extremely nervous to do so.

Three reasons:

• Would we have the finances to raise three children? We were on one income and stretched financially as a family of four.

• Would I be able to cope with a third pregnancy mentally? My first two pregnancies resulted in birth trauma and postpartum anxiety.

• Would I be physically healthy? I struggle with colitis and my previous cesarean section would meant more hospital appointments.

God responded to our worries with a sentence: You can walk straight through, into my grace.

Alongside this 2023 word, God also spoke to us about my eldest child.

He told us which school he wanted us to send our girl to to; He confirmed this time and time again. 

Yet, we were worried – the school would cost us money… Money we did not have in January 2023. 

We anxiously trusted Him and chose to apply solely for that school, putting all of our eggs into God’s basket.

As I sit here writing, it is the last day of 2023…

And God did everything He said He was going to do.

• In January 2023 I fell pregnant with Naomi Hope Coppenhall. Every single hurdle I faced in pregnancy just disappeared and came to nothing. Doctors said baby had a cyst; she didn’t. Doctors said baby was small: she wasn’t. Doctors said my placenta was in the wrong place: it moved. Doctors said it might be another cesarean; it was a speedy vaginal birth.

• Postpartum-wise, I feel like the cat that got the cream. And I don’t say this to boast – I say this because I have dipped my toe in the postpartum anxiety trenches, I’ve had panic attacks and birth trauma, ruminating over pain. It’s rough. And I want to tell anyone that needs to know – there is hope. If someone told me in September 2021 that one day I would have 3 kids aged 4 and under and yet I would be wonderfully content with zero panic attacks, I would have marveled. Yet I regularly have ‘chats’ with my youngest and I recognize how delighted I am. Healing, for me, hasn’t looked like never having a bad day mentally. It has looked like being aware of how I am doing and being able to ask for help when I need it. This postpartum is sweet and it is nothing short of a miracle. Potentially my favourite miracle, which is why this bullet point is a long paragraph!

• And to top it all off my daughter goes to the school God told us to apply for. That place is a mega-blessing. He provided my husband with a new job to cover the costs and he even gave us a car for free so I could do the school runs. The car has Joy’s name and age on the number plate – When one of my friends pointed this out I felt God so kindly showing my love in the details. Anyone who knows me knows I had driving anxiety but this car is exactly what I prayed for and I love it, as much as you can love a car.

Praise be to God for all of the above miracles, right! Yet, I wanted to write, not just to record what happened, but also to pass on a few things I have learnt over 2023. I hope these things will bless someone just like they have me:

1. Accept Grace.

Grace is an undeserved favour from God.

If mercy is Him removing all of our sin and sickness then grace is Him giving us a new, full life that we could never earn or deserve. 

I struggle to accept grace. It is the one thing that I grapple with constantly. I want to earn things, prepare for things, get things right. When I was pregnant with my first child, I sought to have a supernatural childbirth – in my eyes this was a pain free, vaginal birth.To get this, I prayed, recited bible verses, read books and did all the things a pregnant woman wanting an empowering, vaginal birth does. 

So, when my labour and birth experience was traumatic, I blamed my faith. I thought maybe I didn’t believe in God enough. Maybe I didn’t trust Him enough. Perhaps I needed to try harder with God. Of course, this thinking made me spiral into a bit of a low point.

Fast forward to my third birth, I did not feel prepared at all. I just had this one word from God: “You can walk straight through to my grace.” I was very honest with God about feeling overwhelmed and weak throughout the whole pregnancy.

God carried me through; He wasn’t cross with me when I told Him I felt low on faith.

I look at that birth knowing that I panicked in places and shouted at my family because of hormones but actually God showed up in all of that realness.

Everytime I dip my toe into a bit of a self-critical rut, God says: “That’s not what I think of you, that’s not how I see that moment -let’s move on.”

Just yesterday I was thinking I ought to spend more time reading my bible and God said to me: “You already spend time with me and I love how you pursue me.” He then showed me moments in my day where I send a little “Help, God” prayer, or talk to my kids about Jesus. He wasn’t condemning me for wanting to read my bible more, but He reminded me that I couldn’t earn His love and that we already had a good thing going.

Point is: He is so full of grace, when I am so set on works. 

If you are like me then I want to tell you: Start by recognising that you find it tricky to accept His grace. Recognising this and being honest about it is always where healing begins.

2. Listen to His Voice.

I am forever re-learning this one.

When it comes to finances, God has again shown my husband and I grace. I have not always spent wisely, but He forgives and tells me to move on. Moving on is critical.

One way He did this was in September – Terry had started his new job, yet hadn’t been paid for six weeks. No savings, we were puzzled at what to do. Hadn’t God promised to show up?

Here’s what happened: God showed us what to do and it wasn’t what I would have chosen.

Now, it’s definitely easier to do something that God tells you when that thing happens to be what you want. But, here is what I now know: Ultimately, God wanted me to know that He is good. He did not want performance from me – which was what I was trying to do financially. God doesn’t need or require anything from you or I. He wants a relationship with us because He adores us. 

What pleases God is me. Just me.

Not me trying to abide by rules. Not me trying to be perfect. Just me. Me talking to Him and letting Him speak. Me listening to His loving voice as He smooths out all of my problems in His kindness.

I’ve learnt not to treat God as a religious rulebook to follow.

Especially when it comes to finances, He is always looking at your heart and cares more about your heart than what you do on the outside.

3. Hope for the future.

My daughter is named Naomi Hope because there is a story about a woman in the bible called Naomi who loses everything, yet God leads her to hope again.

I think Naomi is my last baby. And I’ve been up and down about this fact. On the one hand, every time Naomi reaches a new stage, or has a growth spurt I feel so emotional: “I am never going to experience this again.”

Yet, the fact that she is my last babe makes me drink her in a little more, I enjoy her smiles and her baby gurgles. I have been able to leave the house messy and focus on her which is a mega achievement for me. When I am awake at 2am I don’t fight it like I did with my firstborn. I know it doesn’t last.

Yet, as a mum of littles I do wonder, what comes next? What comes after this season? I’ve learnt so much about God in my child-birthing years, now what?

I know this sounds weird but when I am struggling with something there is a kind of weird comfort. I am comfortable in uncomfortable situations. And right now I hear God telling me that it is perfectly acceptable to hope for more. It is also right to taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34: 8.) That means, I can revel in the fact that I am currently at a good place in my life. 

Earlier today at church, I pictured an onion. A raw onion. It didn’t taste so good. But when the chef seasoned it and put it in batter it suddenly started sizzling and caramelizing and once taken out of the hot fryer it was delicious.

If that onion hadn’t gone through the peppering and cooking it wouldn’t have tasted so good. Equally, if the onion had been left in the cooker for too long, it would have burnt to a crisp. Singed.

God put me under a bit of pressure, He refined me in the baby years and now I feel like He wants me to just enjoy His goodness.

He does not want me to go over the pain of the last few years, I can leave all that behind – holding onto the pressure will singe me like a burnt onion!

Yet, He does want me to delight in this season and enjoy His promises fulfilled. He said I’d walk through into His grace and here I am enjoying His grace. 

Baby Naomi is my promise fulfilled and her name means there’s more promises to come. There’s always more with God and He wants us to experience His goodness for ourselves. Not just sing He’s good, but actually experience it and delight in it.

What does 2024 have in store?

I don’t know where these testimonies find you today, but I do want to encourage you: Accept the grace of God – no amount of trying can earn it. Listen to His voice – He has got the perfect, loving answer to your practical, spiritual and emotional problems. And do taste the hope He gives. Do enjoy His goodness in 2024. 

I stand completely changed by all that God did for me in 2023 and I pray that you know He can pick you up, dust you off and wrap you in His love as you walk through 2024.