I turned 30 earlier this year.

And I will be honest: I don’t like it!

I see people stepping into their 30’s with pride, yet I feel like someone has dragged me through the 30-gate… by my boots!

I’m not ready to leave my 20’s.

• I wish I could go back to that first date with my now-hubby.
• I wish I could go back to the moment I was still wondering what my firstborn would look like.
• I wish I could go back to those first few nights with my son, watching Call the Midwife in the early hours of the morning, feeding him and holding his tiny frame close to me.

I find myself wanting to revisit important life events that have been and gone.

I want to somehow broadcast a message to 20-something me:

“Beth, slow down! Write notes. Savour these days. This won’t last forever!”

Truth is: I’ve spent so much time longing to re-live my previous decade, I think I might have accidently stopped dreaming about the next one.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve got some plans. I’ve got a few things I’d like to happen in 2023…

But, I’m in some sort of “fighting-fires” mode. My inner script is stuck on a bunch of notes titled: “How to get through the next year.”

Survival mode should never become a way of life.

And the question that is helping me get unstuck this afternoon is:

Who am I serving?

The bible reads:

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

Matthew 6:24, NIV.

When I read this verse I realise that we all serve something.

I also start to wonder, what does it mean to serve?

I know that serving God is not about burning out. It’s not about working for Him.

Maybe, instead, it is about partnering with Him?

We put Him first because He put us first.

Jesus came to earth to die for us so that we could be free from sin and shame.

He was risen by God so that we could have a new life in Christ.

The bible says:

For the joy set before him [Jesus] endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2, NIV.

He put His needs second to ours because it brought Him joy to know that we would one day be free from sin and shame. It was His joy to serve us and lay down His life for us.

Yet, sometimes, I don’t lay my life down for Him.

I don’t always live His way.

My head knows that doing life His way always works out better than I could have ever hoped or imagined.

My heart doesn’t always align with that.

Sadly, sometimes I serve money and physical wants, without even realising I am doing it.

In the bible, Jesus tells Hs disciples a story called “The Parable of the sower.”

The story goes:

A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

Matthew 13: 3- 9, NIV.

I’ve read this passage so many times, but today I paid attention to that seed which falls among the thorns. Here’s what Jesus says about that seed:

The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 

Matthew 13: 22, NIV (my emphasis.)

It was unfruitful. It started well, but then the worries of this life and deceitfulness of wealth choked it.

I think that is where I am. I am worrying and I am planning how to get through this life. And it’s boring and unfruitful!

I miss dreaming with God.

I am missing the wild, anything-is-possible life that He promised us in the bible. (See John 10:10.)

And it was really easy for me to get here. It was easy for me to add just a little too-much worry to my otherwise stable faith.

It was easy for me to let my mind question: “Is that really possible.”

The switch in script from “How can I serve you God,” to “How can I get through this year,” was really subtle.

So, today, perhaps you would also like to ask the question: Who am I serving?

Because if you are serving Jesus then you will be full of hope.

Jesus said:

Everything is possible for one who believes.

Mark 9:23, NIV.

Another question to answer is: What is God doing in my life right now?

Proverbs says:

If people can’t see what God is doing,
    they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
    they are most blessed.

Proverbs 29:18, NIV.

Serving God looks like concerning ourselves with what He is doing instead of what we are.

Spend time in prayer and ask yourself what He is up to. Dream again. Dream big, dream wild, dream things that would be impossible, if not for Jesus!

A final question for you to answer is: How can I partner with God, in this season?

Don’t just list off a million things that you can do for Him. Instead, look at what God is doing in your life right now and then pray about how you can attend to that vision.

I’ll leave you with this…

I am 30 and my head knows I have more adventures to come. It’s my heart that has hardened. It became calloused when I started to just dwell on those worries a little too much.

But when I start to let the truth sink in, my heart softens. I start to believe that nothing is impossible for God and I start to imagine what my 30’s could hold.

If you’ve got a little bit stuck in a “want-to-go-back-to-the-past” rut, then I hope these 3 questions will help you hit an internal reset:

• Who am I serving?
• What is God doing in my life right now?
• How can I partner with God, in this season?

And as you journal your answers, I am praying that your heart will soften again. I am praying that you will also awaken up to the limitless possibility given to you in Christ.

Leave any comments and encouragement for other readers below.