On Thursday morning this week, I left the house feeling panicked.

I began walking uphill, towards our church. I noticed that I was feeling funny, my chest felt tight, as though my heart was being suffocated.

I couldn’t work out if my feelings were anxiety-related or if I was simply feeling breathless because I haven’t exercised in at least a month!

I chose to purchase a snack from a local supermarket, but became aware that greater anxiety was stirred within me. This weightiness and over-thinking was hard to bear.

I continued with my day: Went to church, visited playgroups. Hour by hour, I was feeling a low-buzz of anxiety.

Fast-forward, six hours later… I was at a bus stop. The anxiety had not stopped bubbling all day long.

A bus was due, which would take me home. I was relieved – my two littles were crying.

I waited for the due bus, I gave apple snacks, I rocked my buggy…

I kept checking my phone which read “Bus due in 3 minutes… Bus due in 2 minutes… Bus delayed by 3 minutes…”

And then… nothing.

The bus never arrived.

After 25 minutes of waiting, my phone flashed to tell me the next bus was due in an extra 30 minutes.

I lost my ability to appear calm on the outside.

I snapped at my daughter, I cried on the phone to my husband and then I marched towards home – a 45 minute walk with two very tired babies.

That evening, I went for another walk. This time I was alone, by our local river.

I genuinely wondered what was wrong with me.

Thing is: Feelings of anxiety and emotional explosions have been a regular part of my life. For the past year I have suffered with moments of panic, with my kids in tow.

By the river that night, I heard God tell me that anxiety had been part of my life for a long time. For me, it wasn’t a new thing caused by having babies. Rather, it has been a way of life that I had practiced for many years. I’d simply gone back to an anxious default, out of habit.

I pondered.

I know that one of the things that causes anxiety within me is a lack of physical and mental space. When I put my needs on the back-burner, panic and sweaty palms surface.

But, more than that – when I put God’s voice on the back burner, I feel as though I am a complete mess.

If I am anxious, I will often give myself a plan of action that sounds Christian, but doesn’t really involve God.

For instance, I read good books, I scroll through great Instagram accounts, containing information about how to stop emotional eating or how to parent from a place of peace.

Sure, I can consume a lot of helpful content and I can come up with a great-sounding plan of action from that content. But that is not a substitute for God’s voice.

When I come here to write, I show up wanting to tell you what God has been saying to me this week. Sometimes He gives me a clear word, for one of my readers. Other times, writing my life out feels appropriate.

But the past few weeks I have been struggling to write and I realise now that it is because I don’t know what God is saying to me.

Partly, I don’t want to hear what He is saying to me…

Nevertheless, I’ve been reading Ecclesiastes lately and these verses stood out to me today:

“Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.

Do not be quick with your mouth,

Do not be hasty in your heart

To utter anything before God.

God is in heaven

And you are on earth,

So let your words be few.

A dream comes when there are many cares,

And many words mark the speech of a fool.”

Ecclesiasties 5: 1-2, NIV, my emphasis.

This made me think of three questions:

– Are we quiet before God?

– Are we going near to Him to listen, or are we trying to get Him to sign off on our man-made plans?

– Are we coming to God with a list of complaints about our lives, or do we wait for His voice to remind us that He already knows what is going on with each of us?

Believe me: God is not far.

He is close and ready to speak – He is ready to silence those anxious thoughts that have been rattling round your brain.

With just one word He can slow down that anxious heart rate that you and I have become accustom to.

He can fill our hearts with His love, if we let Him in.

Sure, it sounds soppy. Sure, it goes against everything else we feel we have to do. But here is what God says:

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10, NIV, my emphasis.

Being still might be the hardest thing you’ve done all week. But God instructs this of us.

Another bible verse reads:

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

Psalm 94: 19, NIV.

We can only receive God’s joy if we let Him console us. He is waiting, ready to comfort you and me, but we can control whether we let Him in, or not.

If you don’t believe in God and you don’t want to let Him in – You don’t have to. No one can force you to let God in. Only you can choose to let down your wall and listen to His voice.

You can be still, you can go near to God and listen to Him and you can let God console you. Or you can shut Him out completely.

I realise that I have been shutting Him out.

I shut Him out on Thursday morning, when I chose to walk in anxious chaos.

I shut Him out in my bus stop rage.

I can’t even remember the last time I came before Him without some sort of agenda.

Even on my riverside walk I had a plan of action and ordered some free online courses that I thought could help me get unstuck.

But here I am, now, aware that I need His voice over every other thing.

And if my words do anything on this earth, I so want them to lead you into a real relationship with Jesus Christ.

I want you to read this and run to His arms, more than I want you to follow any 5-step plan I could come up with.

Don’t let anxiety reign within your heart a second longer. God’s voice can still any racing and worried mind today. Right now.

Open your arms, switch off your phone and simply listen. If it helps you focus, recite one of those verses I wrote out in this post, above.

God is with you now; let this be a turning point in your week, or even your life!

Praying for you.