It’s been 5 weeks since I posted a blog. That is because I gave birth to my surprise son, Judah David (if you read all of my blog posts, you may remember that the sonographer told us to expect a baby girl – hence the surprise!)

As I sit here to write, Judah is in the sling and my daughter Joy has gone to the shops, with my husband.

Life as a stay-at-home mum, with two small children, is chaos. Yet, for many reasons, I don’t feel like giving up on writing about my faith is an option! I hope to write when I can, as often as I can – apologies if this means I am not as consistent or as coherent as I previously was.

I use this blog as a place to process what I feel like God is showing me, or speaking to me about. At the moment, I think He is talking to me about grace.

Some readers may remember that, in order to birth my first daughter, I had an emergency caesarean section. Despite praying for a quick, easy and spontaneous labour and birth, I suffered a long, tricky and induced labour.

While I was pregnant with my son, I realised that I had so many unanswered questions for God – Why didn’t he answer my prayers for an easy labour? Why did other people get the labour they prayed for, but not me? Was it may fault? Is my faith faulty or less than others? Did I do things wrong?

I sought help to answer these questions, I battled with shame, regret and anxiety that struggle and trauma would happen again – because of my ‘small faith,’ so I thought.

Here’s the truth, though: I don’t know why I went through pain, during my first birth experience, with my daughter… But I do know it wasn’t God’s doing.

I also know that God used that whole experience for His good (Romans 8:28.) I believe He used it to show me how much love and grace He has for me – love and grace that I struggle to simply accept.

My son’s birth story was different… I went into labour spontaneously, before my due date. Labour progressed the way it should and, even when it felt like it wasn’t going the way I wanted, I felt God tell me that I would keep progressing – He could do anything.

Despite this promise, there was a moment in which I tried to take things into my own hands and speed the process along! Nevertheless, God stepped in and I birthed my boy with no intervention.

The whole experience has made me realise a few things:

• I don’t like to learn from experience – I like to get things ‘right’ the first time. (Obviously, my version of getting things ‘right’ differs from that of God.)
• God has compassion on me that I don’t have for myself.
• He’s in control but I don’t always like that!

I think that God is trying to grow gardens in people’s lives. I think that He is trying to show them true beauty. I also think that some of us are resisting God-given beauty because we think it should look a certain way.

For example, I thought that the struggle to birth my daughter was a sign that I had failed. A sign that I didn’t believe in God enough. I didn’t think that God could make that mess beautiful.

But when I look at the birth of my son, I realise that God used both of my babies to teach me that grace is His for giving and mine for taking.

I can take grace in great measure, at any given moment, in any struggle and in any season.

Struggle is not what God gives but grace is what He offers to each one of us, regardless of our suffering.

So, I wonder today:

• Are you letting God give you His grace? Or are you trying to fix broken things, or hide struggle in shame?
• Do you know how much compassion God has for you?
• What if you and I were to apply grace to our regret? What if we has compassion on our past selves and circumstances?

The bible says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 7, NIV.

If God is love and He keeps no record of wrongs, why should I carry things I feel I’ve done ‘wrong’ around with me? Why should I keep feeding a feeling of a failure, rather than accepting God’s grace? Grace which says I am incredibly precious and loved, regardless of past, or present, circumstances.

And so here I am, in a new season. A season in which two very small people (and one not so small person…) all require my affection, attention and ability.

Will I walk through these years of marriage and parenting with God’s grace? Or will I deny myself compassionate eyes? Will I compare and control, or seek God’s story for my life? Will I let Him show me beauty? Or will I strive for my own Instagram-worthy goals?

Maybe it’s a new season for you, too? Decide with me that this is the season we let God do what we cannot. We let Him turn mess into marvelous and we believe for a new kind of beauty – one that is beyond our control. A gorgeous, vibrant garden sown by grace alone.

Praying for you guys.