This is a 5-part blog series about changing negative thought habits. For day one, click here.

Today, we are looking at people pleasing.

Thing is: sometimes people pleasing can feel right. On the surface, it looks shiny. It feels good to people please. It gives you a small hit of approval.

For instance, when I was younger, I used to occasionally swear. I did it in order to fit into a certain group of people. Those in the group probably didn’t even notice that I was acting in a way that wasn’t true of who I was. For all they knew, I swore a lot.

What I am saying is: I could have got away with pretending. I could have got away with ‘fitting in.’ I could have lied. For a second, it gave me the hit of approval I needed.

But, what does God say?

Psalm 139 reads:

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

Psalm 139: 3-4, NIV.

Simply put: God absolutely knows when we are putting on a show.

The Psalmist tells us that God discerns our motives. That means: we are busted! Before we lie, He knows we are going to lie. He can see our heart.

Even before I was a Christian, some niggle in me knew that this was the truth. I knew that telling a few white lies to fit in was never as innocent as it seemed.

Yet, there’s something about people pleasing that draws you in. Once you’ve started pretending to be someone you are not, you are then faced with the pressure of performing, again and again.

What I am saying is – although people-pleasing can feel good for a second, it quickly leads to a web of lies and anxious thoughts.

Thoughts like:

Can’t believe I said that or did that, what will that person think?

If I do this, this person will think this.

This person doesn’t like me.

This person doesn’t get me.

These people are embarrassed by me.

What if this person isn’t talking to me for these reasons?

What if this person is saying this thing about me?

This person prefers this other person in the group.

This person will never accept me, unless I try harder.

Simply put, people pleasing is a thought train that takes you deeper and deeper into insecurity. You might notice that your thoughts become less about God and more about people! Less peaceful and more anxious.

Of course, thinking about people is not inherently bad! It is important to know that people pleasing is less about the thoughts itself and more about motives behind the thought.

• So how do you keep your motives pure?
• How can you quit over-analysing what he said or what she said or how you acted in every given situation?
• Simply put… how do you stop people pleasing?

From one recovering people-pleasing to another, here are a few places to start:

1. Tell the Truth

When you are caught up in people-pleasing, it can be mentally all-consuming. One of the best ways I’ve found to break the cycle of stress, worry and guilt is to simply tell the truth. That’s right; no matter how silly you feel, confession is crucial!

Firstly, tell God the truth. Yes, He already knows when you’ve messed up – but talking to Him about it helps you receive forgiveness from the very source of forgiveness. Also, there is something about telling the truth – out loud – in front of God. You start to remember that you are seen and loved, just as you are.

Next, tell the truth to those you have lied to. If you exaggerated a story to look good – just text your friend and say: “I need to tell you that I exaggerated today, that thing didn’t really happen I made it up to look good in front of you.”

Your friends will surprise you.

Thing is, people pleasing makes you feel so isolated. Stuck in a web of white lies. The reality is, your friends will probably understand. They might have been there before.

I know that may seem silly but, the more you do this, the easier it becomes.

2. Get Approval from God

When I people please, it is usually because I don’t feel as good as those that I am people pleasing. I feel like they are better than me and so I want their approval.

Truth be told: I kind of feel ashamed of how I might look in their eyes. So I do all I can to “rid myself” of that fake shame.

Letting God tell me that I am accepted, approved and acknowledged is vital in this war on people pleasing. I can easily spend a day wondering what a certain person might think about me. But I don’t have to wonder with God. I can ask Him; I can let Him affirm me.

Ask God questions: How are you proud of me today, God? Who do you say I am, Jesus?

If you feel like you are not hearing from God, why don’t you get together with a friend and pray with them. When I was a new Christian, I sat in a circle with a group of friends and a couple of church leaders. We prayed, talked and each wrote encouraging words down on a piece of paper to give one other. I was given a bible verse and these three words: “woman of integrity.”

When I am caught up in stress, worrying about what everyone thinks of me, I can physically take out that piece of paper and look at those words: “woman of integrity.” I can remember who God says I am.

3. Fan Your Own Flame

We serve a living and present God. Jesus said:

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28: 20, NIV.

I think it is important to remember that God is with us and to trust His process.

Before I was a Christian I wanted to fit in with my peers. I wanted to get a good university degree and a good job. I wanted to spend money on new clothes and go out drinking a lot.

Now that I am a Christian, my people pleasing tendencies haven’t disappeared, they have just altered! I want to spend less money to look good in people’s eyes. I want to seem like I have it all together. I don’t want people to know that I’ve had a bunch of unanswered prayers. I don’t want people to find out that I don’t always shop ethically and sometimes I don’t recycle my tinned tomatoes!

What I am saying is: if you are a people-pleaser, you have to give in to your brokenness. You have to give in to your imperfection.

It is time to your own day-by-day walk with Jesus. Ask yourself: am I doing that Godly-looking thing to people-please… or is it because God told me to do it?

The best thing to do is to make sure you spend time with God, when nobody else is looking.

That could look like journaling, praying out loud on your knees or walking in the park and just thinking things through with God. Whatever you come up with! Just make sure you have sacred time and space where it is just you and Him.

If you are trying to do something “for God” that He hasn’t asked you to do, usually it just doesn’t work out! In my experience, my attempts at Christian people pleasing have all fallen on their nose!

The bible says:

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you…

2 Timothy 1:6

I think it is important that we listen to what God is saying to us personally. It is important to the obedient to the things He tells us. That is how you fan into flame the gift of God on your life.

It’s not important to be obedient to anyone other than God. Although people-pleasing thoughts may feel nagging – you don’t have to agree with them or do what they say.

You must do all you can to fan your own flame, get your own faith and hold onto Jesus for yourself.

Pray that God would make two things clear to you:

1. What He is asking you to do
2. What He isn’t asking you to do.

Then be obedient to the first.

Conclusion

Breaking a people-pleasing habit is not easy.

It takes guts to own up to your mistakes. It takes vulnerability to go to God for approval, when all your thoughts are screaming at you to get approval from people. It takes time to build a personal, daily relationship with God that is honest and pure.

But I believe that you can do it.

I believe that you can swap those negative, anxiety-ridden thoughts for truth.

It will be a daily battle, sure. But remember, you are not alone. Once you and I start talking about people-pleasing, we will very quickly find others start to open up and admit that they face the same struggle.

And, of course, we always have our discerning God with us. So we have nothing to lose.