This is day 3 of a 6-day focus on rejection. For the first post in this series click here.

Today, I want to write about what rejection feels like.

If left undealt with, rejection can result in feeling constantly offended at someone, which is exhausting! We can also end up suffering anxiety and hopeless grief; things that – of not dealt with – can block you from enjoying your one, exciting, God-given life.

Let’s look at each of those 3 feelings individually.

1. Rejection feels like… being constantly offended.

Have you ever had it when you make plans with someone… and they cancel last-minute? You can react to that rejection by being like ‘that’s O.K,’ ‘don’t worry’ – but sometimes you feel a bit put-out. A bit rejected.

What about when you see pictures of friends meeting up – without you – on social media? You catch a glimpse of your friends having a great time, and suddenly you start to wonder… where was my invite? Again, there might be a perfectly good explanation. But nevertheless you feel rejected.

In these instances, we have a choice. We can forgive those that have rejected us… or we can ignore how we really feel and say ‘I’m O.K with it…’

Denying your emotions can cause you to feel offended at another person, for a long, long time. And holding onto offense is not helpful for you, at all.

Offence can lead us to live a double-life. A life in which we are friends with someone on the outside; we are snapped in Instagram pictures cuddling them, we are always hanging out with that person on weekends… But on the inside, we are so angry with that same individual, for something they did in the past. So much so that we end up gossiping about them in circles they will never know about… or so we think.

Offence is ugly. Sneaky. Secretive. If you keep offence in your life, you will grow bitter. You will act like a victim, instead of a powerful person, full of self-control.

I don’t want that for you.

I think of Naomi in the book of Ruth, who tells her daughters-in-law:

“Don’t call me Naomi” she told them. “Call me Mara,because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.”

Ruth 1: 20, NIV.

She becomes bitter. She embodies it and makes an identity out of it, holding onto offense and misery.

It is so important to let all the feels out when you are rejected. Don’t pretend you are not upset, instead tell God how angry and frustrated you are. Let your feelings bubble to the surface and then… let it go. Repressed feelings will hurt you. Repressed offence is wild, ugly and can seem all consuming. Don’t let it get that far.

If you are struggling to forgive, this book is a good tool.

2. Rejection feels like… anxiety.

In years gone by, I’ve been so scared of rejection it has caused me to people please.

Throughout my teenage years, people-pleasing caused me to pretend to be someone who I was not, in order to get what I wanted: acceptance.

Let me use an example to explain: years ago, I got really sick. Instead of adjusting my life, staying at home and recovering – I tried to maintain my social life and attend parties.

I tried to go out and drink alcohol, with the sole purpose of people-pleasing. I didn’t want to rock the boat by saying no, every time I was asked to go out. I didn’t want people to think I was boring. I didn’t want people to reject me. I didn’t want to disappoint, anyone!

My goal was to be accepted by… everyone! In the above instance, I thought that looked like being available to go out all of the time. I wound up feeling really burnt out… and my friends didn’t actually care if I came out or not. In fact; friends just wanted me to be well!

Nevertheless, my unnecessary people-pleasing goal led me to feel anxious. It was so tiring second-guessing everyone. More to the point: it’s an unattainable goal!

When you set yourself an unattainable goal, you wind up feeling all sorts of panic. It feels uncontrollable!

Next time you feel anxious, try and get to a place where you can ask yourself: “what is my goal?”

Am I reacting to rejection by people-pleasing? Is my goal to second-guess everyone and ‘keep the peace’? Or is my goal to just be honest with myself and others?

If you can relate to the above, this book might help you.

3. Rejection feels like… grief.

Yes, rejection can make you walk around wounded, or people-please. And, as discussed, rejection can make you feel upset or angry with someone, until you forgive that person.

But, for a second, I want to talk about long-term rejection. Losing a friend.

Sometimes, people can give us ‘silent treatment.’ We used to be best friends; but one day they never texted us back. They said ‘bye’ and that was forever.

Sometimes, we can reach out to someone we love, again and again. Yet, they never respond.

In my life, I have experienced this kind of rejection. In these instances, rejection feels like grief.

It sounds weird to say that we can grieve someone who is alive. But, the loss of a friendship, is still loss.

If someone decides to reject your friendship, you are allowed to grieve. I give you permission to do so. In fact, I would recommend doing so. If sorrow is repressed, it can often lead to depression.

I wish I could give some really practical, clever way of grieving a friend. My way has been to cry a lot and to spend time by myself praying to God about it. As with a lot of things, being honest and accepting that you are sad is a great start.

I think one of the worst things that we say is that we don’t care. Saying “It doesn’t matter, they were never a true friend anyway…” or “I don’t care about being rejected by people; I know I am accepted by Jesus.”

It does matter. I know that I am accepted by Jesus, but it still hurts to be rejected by people. I tell Jesus about this stuff all the time! And my testimony is that He cares. He cares how you feel, too.

The book of Isaiah reads:

He was despised and rejected by mankind,
    a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Isaiah 53:3, NIV.

This verse tells us that Jesus was despised and rejected. In the same sentence, it tells us that Jesus was a man of suffering, or a man of sorrows. Remember, Jesus is fully God and fully human – so of course He felt the pain of being rejected and despised. I believe He still feels das when people reject Him. I think Jesus grieves lost relationships alongside us. He is absolutely with us.

Don’t make the mistake of pretending that rejection doesn’t hurt.

While I was writing the above I had an image of a sign, in my mind, which read: “access denied.” Some of us deny ourselves access to the part of Jesus that is warm and comforting and empathetic. The part of Him that says: “I feel it too. I can resonate.”

Jesus doesn’t ask us to pretend our emotions don’t exist, He says:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.“

Matthew 11: 28- 29, NIV.

I challenge you to run with all your mess into the arms of God. Don’t be ashamed to tell Him that it hurts to be rejected, even if you have been rejected for His cause.

Conclusion

Rejection can feel bitter, panicked or depressing. Rejection can knock the wind out of your sails, if you let it.

My hope today is just that you would address any feelings of rejection that are perhaps causing you to react in a certain, unhelpful way.

Because the truth is: when I think about rejection in my own life, it isn’t the event of rejection itself that has really hurt me. Rather, it has been my reaction to the initial sting of rejection, which has led me down an extremely painful route. I think, if we can learn to be honest about our feelings – if we can learn to accept the sting of being rejection and deal with it – we will wind up being healthier and happier people.