Since covid-19 lockdown began 4 weeks ago, my husband and I have only had 5 days apart, (when hubs had to go into work.)

As a result of this change, our marriage feels a little like it’s under a microscope.

We are getting to know each other, all over again. We are having to choose one another, through good days and bad days. We are re-learning to care for one another, through a period of change.

Below, I’ve written 8 things that have helped hubs and I stay ‘loved up’ in this time of quarantine. I am hopeful that they might also help you process change together, with your spouse or loved one.

1. Pursue Your Own, Personal Relationship With God.

Whenever my husband comments that he is feeling ‘fed up,’ it is usually because he hasn’t spent any time with God, on his own. In other words, he needs just 30 minutes to pray – without any distraction from me, or our daughter.

In comparison, I am quite disciplined. I used to have a job that required me to plan my own work, and use my time wisely. Therefore, I make time to pray to Jesus by myself, every day.

However, a few weeks ago, I realised that, although I was reading the bible, I wasn’t letting God speak to me through it. I was glossing over it. I wasn’t feeding myself with it. For me, being a Christian is not about religion. It is not about religiously opening my bible and reading a chapter or so, without actually taking it to heart.

Since realising this, I have spent at least 5 minutes of my prayer time just asking the Holy Spirit to fill me and speak to me. Making space like this in my prayer time has actually made me listen to God, as if a friend. If I read just one sentence of the bible, letting it sink into my heart – that is far greater than reading 5 chapters in one sitting.

Pursuing your own individual relationships with God is vital to a loved-up marriage.

2. Give Each Other Space to Adjust.

Throughout this covid-19 crisis, I’ve really benefited from my husband’s help around the house.

He has been working from home, which means he can easily look after our daughter, while I cook lunch and dinner, (usually she screams and hugs my leg while doing either of these tasks!)

I didn’t realise that my husband would simply need time away from both me and my daughter, so that he could chill out. It sounds silly, but unless he is on the phone or having some time to pray, I struggle to understand why he would want time away from us!

Nevertheless, hubs has needed time alone, to watch movies, play Fifa and just be – and that is O.K

We are in a global crisis, so it is important that we ask our loved ones; how we can we help them throughout this time? Do they need time alone? Do they need extra space to adjust? Do they simply need to switch off?

I read something that said some people will react to covid-19 by over-funcitioning, while others will under-function. And both reactions are neither right nor wrong, we just need to be aware of how each of us deals with the change.

I have also realised that I ought to have time when I can sit down to watch a television programme, have a bath, or just do nothing! Easier said than done for the over-functioning one… but I am working on it!

3. Have a Plan For each Week.

For the sake of our marriage, my husband and I have to plan together what we will do with our time off.

To some, this might sound crazy. But, in the early days of our marriage, I would usually end up feeling burnt out, despite taking annual leave! This is because my husband has a tendency to plan a jam-packed break, whereas I would much prefer to spend slow days at home.

To resolve this conflict: every holiday, we get a weekly wall planner and simply go through each day.

I know that quarantine isn’t ‘time off,’ but it is ‘time out-of-routine’ and so we have written a weekly wall planner for each week in isolation. If we go off-plan, that is not a problem.

As a teacher, my husband often needs to spend time working on lesson plans or marking, even during holidays. So, we firstly plan when he is going to work.

Then, I will plan time to write.

Other things we write on the planner include: date night, church meetings, church work, weekly food shop, visits to see or call family and, at the time of quarantine, we have a general idea of when we will go out for our daily exercise (morning or afternoon.)

It is also worth agreeing who gets up with our baby in the middle of the night, and who looks after her first thing on a morning. These little agreements can make for a happier atmosphere in our home! Communication is key.

4. Have a Budget.

Just before covid-19 crisis swept our nation, my husband and I made the decision that I would quit my job to look after our baby full-time.

As a result, my husband and I have been really struggling to adapt to living on his income, alone.

I know that money can be an ongoing argument and struggle in a marriage. But, throughout covid-19 quarantine, my husband and I have made an extra effort to talk about money.

We have budgeted for a number of years. But, recently, we’ve had to make every effort to stick to the budget… something we didn’t used to do! This has required extra communication and extra commitment. More importantly, it requires you to trust God, together.

If you haven’t created a budget before, I would recommend looking at some of Rachel Cruze’s content or, have a look at some budgeting tools that Ruth Soukup has to offer.

5. Make Sure Date Night is Special.

No matter what changes life brings, make sure you have a ‘date night’ with your spouse, or loved one. My husband and I have prioritised a date night once a week, for over 6 years now. On that night we rid ourselves of any distractions, and we do something out of the ordinary.

Throughout the covid-19 crisis, date night involves putting our little girl to bed at 7pm, then converting the living room into a ‘pub,’ for the evening. To do this we find candles, wine, beer, and my husband usually puts a video of a burning fire on our television screen (Youtube: burning fire!)

Our ‘pub’ usually has sweets and chocolate on each table!

Once we are in the ‘pub,’ we talk or, at times, we have played a game. We like playing ‘5 crowns’ card game, or we sometimes ask each other questions from our ‘Mr and Mrs’ board game.

On date night we try not to talk too much about our baby, finances, household chores or work. Date night is about relaxing and getting to know each other.

6. Call Your Friends, Separately.

During this global pandemic, I have realised how important it is to have conversations without your spouse.

Just a quick chat with my ‘mama’ friends about breast-feeding is so beneficial, because they actually understand areas of my life, as a mum of a baby, in a way that Terry cannot. I have also reached out to friends that are like older sisters, asking them for wisdom when I feel anxious and overwhelmed.

Similarly, hubs has loved ‘quarantine quiz nights’ with his friends. He has also checked in with a few ‘big brother’ friends in his life, venting about any worries he has

7. Forgive.

My husband recently got very frustrated at a spillage that had happened on my watch. Instead of being quick to forgive; neither us could get past it. He was angry at my spillage… I was angry at his reaction!

A few days later, I sat with my journal open and felt that I needed to forgive.

After choosing to forgive, I was able to move past the argument and focus on how I could love my spouse, rather than solely thinking about my own needs and hurts.

8. Put Each Other Before Yourselves

Honestly, I have been married 5 years and I don’t often put my husband before myself. Life in quarantine has made me realise this.

I had a conversation with my husband about what will happen when quarantine is lifted. He said he would want to go out with friends a few times to celebrate. I felt angry by this and started to question him; “what would I do, if you went out all the time? I would be at home with our baby all day while you are at work, then you would go out with friends while I watch another Disney movie?!”

We were both thinking about ourselves, not considering each other.

Since that conversation, I’ve tried to simply be aware of my motives. I’ve asked: “Am I thinking of only myself here? Or am I putting my husband first, trusting he will think about my needs?”

Conclusion

I realise that my husband and I have argued, panicked, laughed, cried and danced our way through this covid-19 pandemic. It has been a lockdown of full of different emotions and reactions.

I would encourage you to have a moment of reflection. How has this pandemic affected your marriage? Is there something that you and your loved one could learn about each other during this time?

Perhaps you could make time for a date night? Or maybe chatting about plans ahead of time, would make for a smoother week, one in which you both feel considered and included?

Do whatever you can to stay loved up during lockdown. If hubs and I can choose to love one another well, I am confident you can too!