Years ago, I had a terrible night’s sleep.

I had an argument with friends. I had said something that caused them to be upset with me. I had said something, and I couldn’t un-say it. I couldn’t rewind time and take back what I had said in the moment. I couldn’t make them stay friends with me.

And, so, that night I lay down on my bed and had a panic attack.

My heart was banging inside my chest at a pace I didn’t know was possible. I wanted to run, but I didn’t know where to run to. I remember feeling helpless. I couldn’t change what had happened with my friends, and I couldn’t make people like me. I couldn’t fix broken relationships. On top of that I had post-viral fatigue, and I was struggling to complete my final year at university.

And the pain of all of that was like having my heart broken a thousand times, all at once. I didn’t think that pain and that feeling of helplessness would ever end. Honestly. I believed that I was destined for a life feeling that low, forever.

I remember thinking ‘I don’t want to be anymore’. I had no plans to end my life, but this thought kept whirring through my mind, as panic pounded round my body. It was a horrible night.

And, so, I am writing to say: just get through the night.

I called Samaritans. I spoke to a man and explained that I had messed up and I didn’t know how to fix things. I couldn’t see how anything would improve in my life. I know that sounds so bleak, so heavy. But these thoughts were so loud in my head. Paired with the physical pain of panic, they felt so final.

I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. I didn’t attempt to end my life. But to be honest I felt like I would never move again, just so heavy.

At some point I stopped talking to the Samaritans man and fell asleep. When I woke up I went to see one of my friends and, though she refused to speak to me, I remember feeling that she wasn’t as mad as I expected her to be. I got up, had a shower, I called my Dad and I decided to sign up for student mental health services. I knew I needed counselling.

It was a rough night, sure. But it didn’t last forever. I woke up and started to see that things were not as bad as I had believed them to be during the darkness of the night.

And, believe me: not everything you think is true.

Your thoughts might say: ‘you are not good enough,’ ‘you can never get past this,’ ‘you might as well give up,’ ‘you will never get over that,’ ‘you will always mess up.’

Those thoughts of yours might tell you that you might as well give up. You might as well quit. Stop trying. Stop being.

Those self-critical thoughts are lies from the pit of hell. And I have battled with self-criticism long enough to know that they are trying to de-rail you. Trying to knock you off-track. Because the truth is you have a purpose. You have something to share with this world that is absolutely incredible. Something that will put fire in your belly and light in your soul. You were born for now. You matter today. And no matter how loud the lies are, I am begging you; just get through the night.

Hold on. Call the Samartians. Call a friend. Call your Nanna. Call your Mum, call your Dad. Just get through the night, because life is worth living.

Un-learn self-criticism.

I am not going to tell you that the pain will go completely. The truth is: you will have to un-learn self-criticism. But the joyful truth is: you can un-learn self-criticism.

You will get to a point where you can detect a bad thought from a positive one.

You will be able to separate lies from truths in your mind.

You will be able to make decisions without feeling stuck or feeling like you are constantly doing the wrong thing.

For me, I sought help through counselling. And then I began journaling. And worshipping God. And meeting with friends. And meeting new friends. And going on holidays. And then I made a big decision to do a discipleship year – which is basically a funny way of saying I spent a year asking God why He made me.

Throughout that year, I talked about my pain with a trusted friend and read helpful books. I started this blog – although I didn’t initially publish. I just kept moving. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. As cliché as it sounds, I chose life.

These days I enjoy going for a coffee with my bible. Wearing my favourite perfume. Cuddling my little girl. Bathtime on Tuesday! Meeting new friends. Cooking a new recipe.

The point is, I still have to surrender to self-care. I’m still intentional about thinking well and living well. But, I’m enjoying the freeing process of un-learning self-criticism.

Why have I written all of this to you?

I wonder if you suffer the same way I have. I wonder if you dwell on lies that leave you feeling stuck, anxious and hopeless. Recognise those lies, check in with your thoughts and seek to get help. Whether you believe it or not, you are so precious, loved more than you know and worth fighting for.

Listen – if I could take your pain away from you in an instant, I would. But all I can do is write this plea.

Get through the night; know that pain won’t last forever. Don’t accept every thought you have as truth. Don’t underestimate those tiny moments of self-care.

I’m praying for you to live fully, every single day.

Beth xxx