Everything I know about regret and responding to it in a healthy way.

I know a lot about regret. I haven’t studied it; I’m not a trained therapist or a ‘regret’ expert. But I have felt strong pangs of: ‘Why-oh-why did I do that?’, ‘How can I go back and re-do that part of my life?’ and ‘I wish I had made a different decision.’

If I am totally honest; I still feel those pangs of regret on a regular basis. Sometimes it can be small things: ‘Why was I so loud today? I barely let anyone else speak!’ Other times, its big things: ‘I wish I could go back and fix that lost friendship.’

Big or small – regret is something that everyone deals with, but not everyone talks about. So I’ve taken time to write about six different characteristics of regret that I’ve struggled with and, at the bottom of this post, I’ve included how I’ve personally fought to overcome each characteristic.

1. Regret is sneaky.

Four months ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl on the planet! I had hoped for a straightforward, speedy labour. My reality was induced labour that lasted 36 hours and resulted in an emergency caesarean section.

Shortly after my emergency C-section, I encountered regret. I wanted to go back in time and change my experience of labour and birth.

I regretted decisions I’d made leading up to, and during, my daughter’s birth. I began having thoughts like; ‘how can I go back in time and chance my cringe-worthy birth plan,’ ‘why-oh-why did I let my baby’s heart rate plummet like that’ and ‘I wish I could press a rewind button on my life and tell the labour doctor to intervene sooner.’ I desperately wanted to change the past.

Here’s the thing: regret is sneaky. When those thoughts crept in, I was tired from labour, birth and looking after a new born baby. I was vulnerable and confused and therefore I welcomed a sliver of regret and allowed it a space in my mind to nest in and grow. From thereon in, I faced a downward spiral: regret led to self-criticism, self-criticism led to doubt, doubt led to despair.

2. Regret can lie.

Sometimes regret is based on truth. Other times, regret is based on a lie.

With regards to my daughter’s birth, regret came with a feeling of condemnation. Regret started with overwhelming pangs of guilt about how my labour turned out, as though it was my fault. I remember thinking that I had already failed as a parent, because I hadn’t done enough to protect my baby throughout the birth-room experience.

Not only did I regret decisions I made, I also I felt ashamed, as though I wasn’t good enough to push my daughter out naturally. In other words, I felt like a failure. I started thinking of myself as a rubbish mother instead of a good mother who was quite literally ripped open for the sake of her baby!

However, not all regret comes with condemnation. Years ago, I treated one of my friends really badly by avoiding her. I made a decision that I knew she wouldn’t like and, instead of facing up to it and telling her the truth, I hid.

The friendship fizzled and, a few summers later, I found myself at a Christian event listening to a preacher talk about beginning again. The message stated that sometimes you have to say sorry. You have to take the bull by the horns and ask for forgiveness for that which you regret. Listening to that preach I regretted that I hadn’t treated my friend well, but I felt conviction rather than condemnation. I just knew that I needed to call her and apologise.

I also held the belief that I could call my friend and apologise – I knew that I had the power to change the outcome of that relationship. I didn’t feel ashamed in this instance.

3. Regret is paralyzing.

I’ve had a few friendship breakdowns. Each time I’ve lost a friend I have regretted moments or conversations that happened in the relationship. That regret has led me to feel this sense of ‘God, please let me go back and change it.’ I can’t really explain how badly I’ve wished there was a big rewind button for life!

As I’ve dwelt on each relationship breakdown, I’ve driven myself to despair. Honestly, I’ve thought about the exact words I would say if I could go back and speak to each lost friend again. I’ve so badly wanted to go back and fix each situation, as if I could!

I’ve learnt that dwelling on regret brings absolutely no joy. None. Don’t dwell on it. Dwelling on regret, regardless of whether it’s based on truth or a lie, will paralyze you. It will stop you from moving forward in life.

4. Regret is overpowering.

Reflecting back on the birth of my baby girl, the negative feeling of regret that I felt was so overpowering. In fact, regret became the dominant feeling when I thought back to the birth.

But the truth is; there were some ridiculously wonderful moments throughout labour and childbirth for me. Some of the very best highlights of my life! Recently, I decided to count the positive moments throughout the labour and simply thank God for them. It was the most healing thing I could have done.

Because my husband has a brilliant sense of humour, he was able to show me pictures and videos that he had taken throughout my labour and birth experience.

He had taken photos of me with wet hair waddling around the hospital trying to walk the baby out! He had taken pictures of the delivery room, the food he ate, the moment I had diamorphine! All were documented, making it easy for us to count the positives.

And we counted many positives – not least was the fact that I have never felt the presence of God so strong like I did when I was in labour. I knew God was with me at every moment. He didn’t let me down, He didn’t hold back His love in that situation. He was the same, faithful God that I have always known and He gave me a beautiful daughter. The fact that it was by way of caesarean does not change the truth that my baby’s birth was a supernatural experience, with God by my side.

5. Regret doesn’t fix anything.

I like to ‘fix’ things. Especially in moments of regret. I think ‘If I can fix it, I won’t regret it so much.’ But lately, I’ve learnt that I’m not supposed to turn bad situations into good – that’s God’s job. If something sucks, it sucks. There’s a few situations in my life that are really horrible. There is not a lot of good to say regarding these particular situations!

Just as you can’t strive for God to heal, you can’t strive for God to turn a bad situation into a good one. He will do it by grace, not by striving. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just to accept that not everything in your life is perfect and you can’t fix everything.

6. Regret steals the now and the future.

After having my first baby, I became so confused about pain and suffering. I was stuck in the past thinking: ‘why didn’t God take away all the pain and suffering from my childbirth?’ ‘Didn’t I pray for a speedy, straightforward labour?’ ‘Was my faith not good enough in the delivery room?’ ‘What should I have done differently?’ ‘How can I go back?’

I found it almost impossible to move forward from these questions. Regret kept me focused on the past instead of the now. I was even unable to look to the future.

So what changed?

I began listening to my favourite podcasts and preaches about God, whilst pushing my baby for walks in the pram. Doesn’t sound world-changing, but a funny thing happened: I started enjoying being with God. I simply remembered who God was and picked up where I left off with Him, like an old friend.

In doing so I learnt that God is kind. He doesn’t give pain, illness or suffering to teach someone a lesson. He doesn’t say ‘no’ when I ask him to keep me safe. The pain that came along with my first birth wasn’t God’s doing; He didn’t let it happen to teach me a lesson. He is a good God and I trust Him with my present healing, my future childbirths – I trust Him with all of my life.

Here’s what I have learnt about regret; 6 takeaway points…

As I said, I’m not a regret expert, but below are 6 takeaway points I’ve discovered for coping with regret. I’m hopeful these points might help someone else reading this in the fight against those pangs of ‘what have I done!’

1. I’m making sure regret doesn’t sneak in again…

I’m making it a practice to get my journal our and simply ask: is there anything I’m regretting today? Is there any regret in my life right now? If something comes to mind, brilliant! Recognising regret early is vital in order to stop the downward spiral.

2. I’ve learnt to detect regret based on a lie…

When regret comes with conviction I feel empowered. When regret comes with condemnation, I feel trapped. It’s important for me to know the difference. If regret is based on conviction, I have something to learn from the experience. If not, I simply need to remind myself of the truth.

3. I’ve stopped dwelling on past regret…

Just this week, I met up with a bunch of new friends. Whilst I was at the meet-up I suddenly felt that I was talking too much, like I was being too loud and annoying. I then went on to panic that they would prefer to meet I were not there.

I got home and told my husband that I thought my new friends probably didn’t like me as I was too loud. My husband nipped it in the bud by saying: ‘that is not true. Stop dwelling on it.’

And then we had our tea! Sounds simple but doing a different activity helped me to stop dwelling on regret.

4. I’m diluting the power of regret…

I’m slowly learning to thank God when I feel those terrible pangs of ‘I wish I hadn’t done that.’ I can thank him that tomorrow is a new day, a new start. I thank Him from what I’ve learnt from each relationship, even those that have broken down.

When I am in pain and feeling confused I thank God that He’s near to the broken hearted. When I’ve messed up I praise God that Jesus took the punishment for the mistakes I have made. Thankfulness changes everything.

5. I’m trusting God to fix things…

I believe that God is good. He IS perfect. He’s the one who walks us through the horrible situations in life. Just as Jesus took His disciples through the storm, He will get you through any situation. Don’t strive to change the past, let God redeem your life for you.

6. I’m beginning to look ahead…

When I am feeling confused and weighed down with regret and questions I can always go back to the last thing I remember God saying. I can also stick a podcast or a worship song on and just remember who He is right now. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow’ He is good.

Conclusion

We all have moments of ‘Oh no! Why did I do that? How can I take it back?’ This regret can spiral into depression, so it’s important to notice it early doors. If there is one thing I hope you will take away from this post it is a plea to face regret head on. Look at it for what it is; sneaky, paralysing and often based on a lie. Don’t waste energy trying to ignore those pangs of regret – go and grab a coffee and write down what it is you regret. Thank God for the positives and then move on!

God is always, with you, always on your side and there is not one situation He cannot restore. Just as I’ve experienced emotional healing, I pray you would also find healing for the parts of life you are currently regretting.