I haven’t been writing so much lately.

And a lot of that has been due to the fact that I am tired.

Really tired.

In fact; I’ve had a relapse with my chronic illness. A ‘flare-up,’ as they say.

And… most of the time I haven’t known what to write. I haven’t found the right words, because I’ve given most of my limited headspace and energy to other things.

Other things like: work, worry, Instagram, Facebook, Strictly Come Dancing and The Great British Bake Off.

Sure, not all of those things are bad. (Most are good!)

But I think I’m trying to distract myself from the truth of what’s really going on.

I’m trying to mentally check out so that I don’t have to deal with the reality.

The reality that change is already here – demanding my acknowledgement.

Truth be told… I am quite a driven individual. I always want to give the thing in front of me the very best effort I can. I want to love God well, be an exceptional wife, enjoy deep and meaningful friendships, spend time with my family, experience regular wins at work, have a sparkling clean house, write books and blogs, support and help those in need, serve my church, be part of a thriving wider community and I always, always want to learn something new.

In the past, I’ve tried to do all of the above simultaneously… whilst managing a chronic health condition.

(That attempt didn’t work out well for me.)

But this year, I tried to pace myself.

In the first quarter of 2018, I determined that my three priorities, besides loving God, were: my husband, my health and developing my gift as a writer.

Those were the three blocks that I put into my calendar first and foremost.

I put in date nights, writing nights and I made time to plan my diet and food intake well. I also block out weekly time for my best friend and going to church every Sunday is another given.

I said “no” to some stuff, I refused to travel as much as I had previously.

I stuck to it for a little while.

I read books, I wrote often.

I monitored my health, I enjoyed romantic date nights.

Life was good.

But I never planned regular, heart checks. I forgot to keep re-visiting my goals. I forgot to remind myself why my priorities were of upmost importance to me.

And I think, somewhere, I stopped prioritising my priorities.

Just for a second: I let the pointless stuff find its way back into my schedule.

Evenings spent on Instagram crept in.

Confusion crept in.

My capacity changed; my body started to change. And I didn’t move in sync with it.

Instead, I buried my head in the sand.

I ignored my circumstances.

And now, I’m here realising that it takes more than a one-off priority check to manage my life.

Discipline is not a one-time event.

Discipline isn’t striving to be better – it’s being honest with yourself about the situation you are in and realistically deciding what you are going to do about the roadblocks in front of you.

Discipline is about checking in with how you are doing, in a caring and loving and honest way.

It’s not about punishing yourself or reprimanding your soul for mistakes you’ve made.

It’s about catching yourself. Building a life with God that you can actually enjoy on a day to day basis.

It’s about knowing what season you are in and understanding your capacity for the season in hand.

I’m starting to realise that what God wants most is to do this life thing together. Me and Him. Him and I.

I think He wants me to get into his presence more often and just be honest with where I am at.

He’s not demanding or cruel – He’s not even the one to blame for all this change – He’s just with me, in the chaos. He’s got his eye on me.

He’s asking me – “how are you doing, Beth?”

He’s telling me to take His rest.

He’s breaking the news gently… it’s time to reset my pace. Re-check my priorities.

How about you?

What are you prioritising at the moment? What is taking up most of your time?

Are you pacing yourself, or are you running too fast?

Let God lead you.

It’s time to reset your pace.