What happened to me has not hindered, but helped. What I’m going through has actually caused many believers to become fearless, bold and passionate to preach… all because of my chains. Philippians 1:7-14 (Passion Translation)

I’ve tried to write about what happened to me many times before. I want to get my story right, I want to do it justice. But when I read my tale over, there’s always some moment I haven’t quite captured correctly. I don’t know where to begin and I haven’t quite fathomed how to document scattered memories from five years passed.

January is a month that seems to whisper: it’s important to remember how far you’ve come. And, for me, it’s a month that treasures one truly precious memory…

January carefully holds the memory of one, vulnerable moment in which I knelt on a grubby, brown carpet – behind blue suede curtains – and worshiped God for the first time in my whole life.

I remember feeling utterly alive.

Yet, I was ill. I had glandular fever, which turned into post viral fatigue and lasted about 2 years. It meant that my body felt heavy I felt exhausted.

And that was nothing compared to the weight of sorrow that I had been carrying in my heart…

Really; I was so sad. I cried huge, messy tears most nights. I remember frequently trying to hold my breath so that my housemates wouldn’t hear my pain. I was ashamed of my illness, ashamed that I couldn’t go out drinking and fit in with the other university students. I was ashamed that I couldn’t cope and hold it all together, excelling in all areas; job, degree, relationships.

Here is what I now know: when I was 20, I had built my life on people pleasing. I wanted a first class degree. I wanted to wear the best clothes. I wanted to get a job that would make people think I’d done really well in life. I wanted everyone to like me. I could not stand the fact that I had let people down. I wanted to fix everything for everyone. I wanted to be perfect.

The reality of my illness meant I didn’t have a thriving social life. Not to mention, I was not going to achieve a first class degree. I could not even muster energy to think about applying for post-graduate jobs. I felt hopeless. I felt unloved. I believed that I had failed to please anyone. I could not be sure that I would even manage to complete my final year of university. I felt as though my body was giving up – and, to match – my soul was full of pain and sorrow. It was awful; noisy with worry in my head. I was well and truly lost.

Yet on one January night, in my little university room – behind blue suede curtains –my life changed forever…

In the midst of self-hatred, one evening I found myself listening to a podcast series that spoke of this guy, Jesus. The son of God. One, particular episode spoke of famous people like Simon Cowell and discussed the fact that – for all the fame and success – most celebrities stated that they were not fully satisfied with their lives. They still felt unaccomplished.

The podcast host talked of how God could satisfy. He said there’s a God shaped hole in each human being. Every single human being was made to be wired for connection with a powerful God. And this God was alive. He loved me and I did not have to do anything to earn his love.

I had heard of this stuff before. I had heard the story of Jesus before. But as I listened to those podcast episodes in my little, blue room, my heart knew that what I was listening to was true. Truer than true. My gut, my heart, my soul – it started to rest for the first time in 20 years. I remember knowing that Jesus was real. I felt it.

My head knew that my friends would think I was bonkers. But my heart didn’t care. For the first time in my life I had found who I truly was… I was loved.

Ever since that moment I’ve found myself journaling, writing and now blogging. Trusting that my scattered story will help others. No matter how messy it is written.

And, so, I’m writing this post to encourage you: share your story too. One day what you went through – or what you are still going through – will help others. Write it out, record it – just tell someone what happened to you. It might cause another to become “fearless, bold and passionate to preach.” Philippians 1:7-14 (Passion Translation.) God can turn any situation round and make all things work for good.