My husband and I are fast approaching 4 years of marriage.

And, as ever, I’ve been thinking about the process. I’ve been thinking about the journey – hubs and I getting to know one another, year after year. After mulling a few thoughts over, here are 5 things that I’ve learnt.

1. Choose your wallpaper wisely

Yesterday, I was sat opposite my husband, Terry, eating brunch in a café. After checking his phone he commented: ‘I need to update my phone wallpaper background.’

I first looked at the current picture on his home screen. His background was a picture of me, with greasy hair, after dancing all night long, with a sparkler in my hand! Hubs had previously told me that he loved that picture of me holding the sparkler. He said I looked ‘cute.’ Yet, when I looked at that photo, I saw dishevelled hair, pashmina thrown across my shoulders, wild and tired look in my eyes.

Next thing: Terry quickly opened his photo album and began scrolling through photos to select an update for his wallpaper background. To my surprise, he chose one of me that I had asked him to take, so that I could check my kayaking outfit didn’t look too silly before we headed out to Derwent water in the Lake District, for a paddle. Rolled up jeans, old converse, a bright blue tourist jumper that we purchased when visiting a canyon in Spain. Safe to say, it wasn’t my finest look. Yet, Terry set that picture as his new background, pleased with what he saw.

If I am honest, the picture set as my phone wallpaper is one of both hubs and I looking our finest at a recent wedding we attended. And if I’m really honest, I chose it because my tan looks neat and my hair looks good and it is one of the only pictures that I look at, and think – ‘you don’t look too bad, Beth.’

And here lies the first thing I‘ve learnt about marriage: choose your wallpaper wisely.

Here’s the point: you have a choice to make. It’s a choice about perception. You can choose to perceive that all of your friends are loved-up, having babies, going on expensive holidays, living the time of their lives. You can even chose to post a picture of you and your spouse on your latest venture, at the pub, living your best life. You can strive for #couplegoals and plan your next wedding outfit.

Or, you can be like Terry and admire the truth of what you have. Set your wallpaper to remind you every day that your spouse is a gift, they are wonderfully and fearfully made (even when wearing a ridiculous outfit!) Align your perspective to the truth: you are his and he is yours. Few things are more wonderful. Open your eyes to see the beauty in your spouse. Comparison is a thief and this is something you will have to fight for. Don’t be self-absorbed, self-centred or selfish.

Ask God what he was thinking when he made your spouse. Ask God to show you all the ways he loves your partner.

Ask yourself – am I trying to make us look good, or am I looking at all the good we’ve been given? Simply put; choose your wallpaper wisely.

2. Agree to disagree

Another thing I’m learning… v e r y s l o w l y … is this: you don’t have to agree.

This is mighty freeing for me because Terry and I are a lot like a pair of bookends. We look the other way on most things.

I see mess, Terry doesn’t.

I need time alone, Terry doesn’t.

I avoid failure, Terry likes to learn by making mistakes.

I like rom coms and reading bible studies, Terry likes audiobooks about assassins… or Greg James on Radio 1.

I want to stay in, he wants to go out.

I want to talk, he wants to play games.

I am studious, he is practical.

I go into a swimming pool one toe at a time, Terry usually jumps straight in.

I don’t enjoy leftovers, Terry prefers leftovers.

I like sweet, Terry prefers savoury.

As you can imagine… we haven’t always seen eye to eye on some of the bigger life topics either.

But I have realised, the goal is not to agree. The goal is to love one another, serve one another and honour one another. I am learning that it’s always good to lay down your pride and just listen to what the other person has to say. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t have to look like an argument.

3. Hope and dream about your future character together

I stepped into marriage because God told me to. I’m not saying that to appear ‘holier than thou’, that’s the truth. I didn’t really know what I was doing with Terry! I wasn’t looking for a husband or even a boyfriend. I fell in love and, soon after, God told me to let Terry go. I didn’t know if God would give him back! But, thankfully, He did.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learnt and am learning: remind yourself of what you’ve come from and where you are going as a couple. Seriously, this one thing could save your marriage.

Sometimes, when you go through difficulties as husband and wife, it can be hard to think of anything but the problem you are facing. But, take heart: no matter what you are going through, you can get through and you can be stronger because of it. God works all things together for the good of those who love him. He has good plans for your marriage and you don’t have to strive to get those good plans to happen.

You can’t ‘make’ your spouse change. In fact, the best thing you can do is give in. Admit you are in a tough situation and surrender to whatever God wants to do, He will guide you through.

In fact, the best thing you and your spouse can do is dream about the people you want to become. Dream with one another about the kind of family you want to create in the future. The first four years of our marriage have felt like demolition, not building. But I trust that whenever Terry and I talk about the kind of parents we want to be, the kind of spouses we want to be or the kind of friends we want to be – we are setting great foundations in Christ.

4. Prioritise one another

In the bible, there is a book called ‘Song of Solomon’. In the book, a husband and wife get married and then ‘little foxes’ come to steal their joy, gossiping away, spreading lies about their marriage. The truth is: there is a devil prowling after your marriage. He will lie to you about your spouse, he will try and put walls and people between you. Let’s get real: satan will try and keep you busy so you don’t have time to connect. He will stop you from being honest with your spouse if he can.

Be wise to these facts and prioritise your pursuit of one another. The best way to do this is to remember what it is to be pursued. What does it feel like? What does pursuit look like for you? Don’t just set a date night once a week and hope for the best. I hate to say it: date night is not date night because you called in that on your google calendar. Date night is a heart issue – are you making time to pursue the other person in a way they appreciate. If you are married to a cuddler, prioritising one cuddle a day shows that you are willing to pursue them. I’m not good at this, but I am learning.

5. Have individual relationships with God

Thing is – God speaks to those who listen to him. God speaks to those who follow him. Who better to convict you of sin that Holy Spirit?

If you are not checking in with God, you will struggle to follow Him. And if you are not following Him you are in danger of becoming stagnant in your relationships. It’s easy to love when you are connected to love Himself. It’s almost impossible otherwise.

6. Always be willing to learn

Someone once said that marriage is a death march to a life camp!

You need to get over yourself and put the other person first, you need to get used to the fact that you are wrong about lots of things and that there will always be another human being that is fully aware of all your foibles.

You could read all 6 points I’ve given before your wedding day, but truly you won’t learn to love by reading a blog post. Learning to love is messy, true and an everyday undoing. It’s accepting that someone witnessed your meltdown when the Christmas lights wouldn’t wrap neatly enough, and then asking forgiveness for ruining what was supposed to be a cosy, festive evening. It’s looking at the other person and knowing that there is still so much you don’t know about them yet, so much you can learn, so many ways you can help them become the person God created them to be. It’s being humbled and in awe that you get to do this hard and holy work. It’s admitting to all the things you don’t know about marriage, even after 1460 days of trying to learn…

Conclusion: 4 years of un-learning…

Here’s the truth: we are only 4 years in and we know very little about marriage! But my prayer for anyone reading this is simply let go of your expectations. (If you haven’t already!)

Let go of anything that might be holding you back from enjoying your spouse and accepting them just as they are. Put God in the centre of your marriage and watch what happens!

And so, this post is a homage to the one who my soul loves. The one who chooses to see the good in me, even on the messy-hair, messy-hormone days! The one who challenges me, supports me, cheers me on in so many ways. The one who doesn’t always get a thank you for making my dinner, the one who takes the mick out of my accent and leaves a trail of carrier bags, wherever he goes. My Terry, the one who has seen all my good bits, and has been a witness as God unravels the bad bits, 1460 days and counting…