One of the most freeing things is to be able to tell Jesus what you want.

Yesterday, I was feeling stressed.

I looked at a long to-do list and I suddenly felt overwhelmed…

“Where do I start? What am I doing? What is the point in all of this? What is the goal? What is the purpose?” I couldn’t answer any of these questioning thoughts that came to my mind.

I felt panicked. I felt like I there was a huge weight sitting on my heart and I couldn’t push it off no matter how hard I tried.

I was just about to Google ‘how to deal with stress’, when my dear friend sent me this message:

“Just deep breathe. You’ve got this.”

I didn’t feel like I was in control.

I didn’t feel like I had it all together. Ducks were AWOL from rows, despite my desperate attempts to make neat lists, work harder – I delegated tasks, deleted tasks, even tried to do and differ tasks. I felt like a total failure. My to-do list looked so much bigger than I.

I felt that any work I was doing wasn’t cutting the mustard, and so lack of achievement added to my mix of emotions.

In that moment I had a choice.

I had a choice to push Jesus away or lean into him…

I pushed.

I took a deep breath and got on with my work. I gossiped about people, blamed people and avoided the reality – I was not looking to Jesus to get what I wanted.

I didn’t want to come to him and tell him of my greatest desires.

To be honest – I’d forgotten what my greatest desires were. I’d spent a week just filling my week with stuff that wasn’t Jesus. I forgot where I was going. I forgot my purpose, I just scurried through the week doing what I could, telling Jesus I loved him, telling my husband I loved him, even coming up with some ‘plan B’s’ to paper over disappointments we’ve recently faced in our family.

I kept on keeping on, forgetting to live fully.

Then two things happened:

1. My dear friend asked me a question.

2. My colleague lent me a book about cheese.

The first friend cut through the noise and basically asked, ‘what is your desire, Beth?’

The second lent me a short book about 4 characters (two mice and two miniature people) who ran through a maze searching for cheese. Yet, the cheese kept moving. The parable asks the question; ‘how are you dealing with change in your life? When someone moves your cheese, how do you react?’

Both of those things brought me here. Sat behind a screen typing out my thoughts and feels again…

Here’s the thing: this year has been one of those years where ALL I can do is tell Jesus what I want.

I know, the years not over yet, but there is a sense of starting over as August comes and makes way for September.

There’s a sense of moving forward and a sense of standing still…

Because I am still waiting to see fulfilled promises.

I’m still waiting to be healed.

I’m still waiting to buy a house with my husband.

I’m still waiting to have children.

I’m still waiting for change in my career.

I’m still waiting for reconciliation in certain relationships.

I’m still waiting to know what the future holds.

I’m still asking: will we ever go to Africa again? Will we write books and have babies? Will we get a house and a dog? Will we, won’t we?

But the real question is simple: will we stay in the waiting?

I know that things are changing on the inside of us.

I know that waiting isn’t standing still. Waiting is choosing to plant hope reside in the depths of your heart, letting it take root and grow slowly, though no physical eye can see.

Waiting is reminding yourself that Jesus is alive and He thinks about you ALL THE TIME.

Waiting is remembering that He always comes through, He never fails you.

Waiting is heart work – it’s choosing to let God’s strength reside in you.

Waiting is not performing. Sometimes I worry that fear is holding me back – but what has been holding me back recently hasn’t been fear, it’s been indifference.

What has been holding me back is this lack of passion. This getting through the motions attitude.

The truth: God sees my writing, He sees my waiting. He sees my longing for a home and a child. His are the only eyes that matter.

He has given my all the hope for the taking. Hope to plant deep in my heart where only He looks.

He is the one that knows my every thought even before a word is on my tongue.

And it is my choice: to wait hopefully, or to become impatient, indifferent to the things of God.

It is always my choice: to give in to God, or to give up on God.

And, so, I will ask again: will you stay in the waiting?