I am a recovering people-pleaser.

And to be really honest with you, it is only by God’s grace that I can even use the word ‘recovering’ to describe my people-pleasing tendencies.

I’ve decided to write out the process I went through, in order to initially step out of my people-pleasing pursuit.

I am hoping these 4 simple steps will encourage you to hit the pause button on your life, take stock of who God is and remind yourself; you were born for more than a life of mental burnout and overwhelm.

You were born to please God, not others. In other words: you were born to have joy in your life, every single day.

Recovery Step 1: Admit Defeat

People pleasing has no end. It is a trap from the enemy to steal your joy.

You can’t resolve your people pleasing by saying something correct or final to the person you are trying to please. Trust me: you can’t win. You may feel like you’ve successfully people pleased for a day, but be honest: next week, will you still be smiling?

Ask yourself: how long will it be before that person, which you are trying to please, gets mad at you again? Will the feeling of knowing that one person is pleased with your striving, ever be enough to fill your life?

My first point is simple: you have to make a choice to stop people pleasing.

For many of you – this decision will take a whole lot of crying.

It might take a physical move – a house move, a job move. You might have to choose to stop hanging out with the bunch of friends you have been hanging out with.

Hey, you can do this. . I know how strange it is to feel free; but you were made to be free. The bible says:

“So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:38, NIV).

I write this from experience: it will be one of the most painful things to walk away from people pleasing and everything – and everyone – that comes with it. It will, in some cases, require you to start your life over with people who love you unconditionally.

When I called it a day on my people-pleasing life, I had to move house. I first went to stay with a friend that I trusted for a night or so. I then went to stay with another friend for a few weeks. Eventually, I found new lodgings to reside in.

Going to stay with a good friend for a night may not seem world-changing. But I promise you – it was. I physically removed myself from a situation in which I was people pleasing. Instead I rested at a friend’s house. That friend drew me a bath, gave me a glass of wine and let me sleep in a room full of books. It was a little slice of heaven, in the middle of a seriously tough time.

If this is your first time stepping away from people-pleasing, you might be struggling, wondering what will become of you. Maybe you don’t believe you can ever be loved just as you are. Maybe you feel you need to earn love.

Never forget, in all of this, you matter. You really do matter. You are a good friend. You are a treasured and loved individual. You are interesting and worth knowing.

I wish I was sat across the table from you, instead of writing this. I want to put my hands on your shoulders, look you in the eye and promise you that you are going to make it. I want to tell you one of the best truths: there are people out there that will love you so well. Better still: there is God who loves you and accepts you. He is pleased with who you are; who He created you to be. But, there is nothing you can do to earn a love like that. There is nothing you can do in order to be loved well.

Now is the time to admit defeat. Make a decision to stop people-pleasing. Move house, take some annual leave, or take a physical break to signify a change in your life, instead of people pleasing.

Recovery Step 2: Confess Sin

OK, so you’ve admitted defeat. You may have found that to be ridiculously difficult. You may even think that the hard part is over. But, I’m praying that you’ll have God’s grace for this next step, just as I did.

Here’s the thing: you have to accept the part you have played in people pleasing.

Maybe you have to accept that you lied to people. People pleasing often involves lying to people and trying to make yourself look good. I know for a fact that I spun plenty of white lies about things I had done, in order to get other people to like me. Ask Holy Spirit to bring those times to mind and then seek God’s forgiveness.

Sometimes, people pleasing looks like gossiping with another person. Gossiping, like lying, goes against who you were created to be. You were made to be pure, you were made to breathe words of encouragement into others, and you were made to change the world for good. Gossiping – or judging others – just leads to death; broken relationships, lost time and self-pity or endless shame.

The best thing you can do at this point is be honest with yourself about all the ways you have people-pleased. Ask God to show you his forgiveness. He died so that you can be free from the sins of lying, gossiping and judging others. Don’t hold onto those things. The bible says:

“Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out,” (Acts 3:19, ESV).

Hey; confess every lie you’ve ever told – just write them all out.

I did that and God took away those lies – He replaced them with truths. He told me:

“Beth, you are a woman of integrity, in whom there is no falsehood, guile or deceit.”

He is saying the same to you. You can choose to turn away from people-pleasing. Confess it, leave it at the cross. Now you are a person of integrity.

Recovery Step 3: Forgive Others

Ouch, that last one was painful. But you are nearly there.

You now need to forgive those who have hurt you.

Take some scrap paper and write down the names of those you’ve been people pleasing, then – be brave and courageous. Ask God to help you forgive each of these people from the heart. That means you might feel the pain of what they’ve done against you come to the surface of your soul as God takes it away.

He’s so gracious and careful when He does this, gently lifting off the pain as if He were pulling weeds out of your heart one by one.

The thing about weeds: they are ugly. And so this is going to hurt, there will be tears and it’s always best to have a close friend or a mentor alongside you – especially if you are forgiving people for abusing you. People-pleasers are often easily manipulated.

I want you to imagine God’s face as you do this. He’s got those gooey, loved-up eyes fixed on you and He’s saying: “my girl, I am so proud of you.”

Why? Because forgiveness means you are choosing to let go. You are not excusing what that person has done against you but you are letting go of your need for revenge. You are saying that what Jesus did on the cross was enough. You are laying down bitterness and moving forward into the goodness God has for you. He wants to give you good things but you have to forgive and lay down the bad things first.

You can do this.

Recovery Step 4: Receive Love and Love Yourself

The hardest part about recovering from people pleasing is choosing to receive love and show love towards yourself, day after day. If you don’t believe that last sentence, then you probably haven’t dared to love yourself yet. Not truly. Because – oh boy! As a people pleaser, choosing to love yourself takes a whole lot of energy!

I want to tell you something that sounds silly: I didn’t even know my own likes and dislikes until I started receiving love from God and choosing to love myself.

On the outside, I was 21 years old. I had a second class bachelor’s degree in English Literature and Language. I had a part time job at Topshop. I had nice clothes and a lovely family.

On the inside I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t think I was worth knowing. The pain of rejection was so raw, from a lifetime of people pleasing, that I honestly thought that if someone got to know me too well, they would not like me. Maybe they would hate me.

I began getting to know myself slowly. I’ve already told you took a bath at my friend’s house with a glass of wine – that was a great step towards self-acceptance. God had prepared a place of refuge for me and I accepted it. I chose to put my needs before others and do something that would rejuvenate my soul.

Bigger steps towards receiving love for myself included joining a church. I then went to eat Friday night dinner, with a family that I met at church. I kept going back for Friday night dinner and I just let them show a heck of a lot of love towards me – wanting nothing in return.

Most other weeknights, I chose to stay in, instead of partying every weekend – simply because I wanted to look after my body.

Honestly, receiving God’s love, and choosing to show love towards myself, was really slow work. I spent a lot of time just sitting with God. I went to coffee shops by myself. I went swimming. I bought a journal. I watched T.V shows about tattoos!

Five years later, I have swapped coffee dates with myself, for juice and smoothie dates alone! I have cut back on chocolate and crisps. I still journal. The swimming didn’t last…

The best part is, I am starting to be honest about who I am. I am becoming confident in my likes and dislikes.

I can now tell you that I want to be a writer and a mother.

I believe I was made to be compassionate and to understand people’s battles. I am a contemplative soul, I like to go slow.

I like ginger, guacamole and fresh eggs. I like dancing, running and songs about Jesus.

I don’t like sarcasm, I am not a fan of anything with swearing in it, I don’t really ‘get’ comedians and I prefer to laugh at pictures of pugs wrapped in rugs, looking like mother Mary.

What do you like? What do you dislike? Who has God made you to be? The only way you’ll answer these questions is if you make the effort to receive love.

Remind yourself that you are beautiful. Spend quality time in a coffee shop alone. Buy yourself something small that is simply a treat. Get a massage, or order a takeaway, so you don’t have to cook every night. Do something to show yourself that you matter. Then do it again, again and again. On a daily basis.

It will feel weird. You won’t have to strive to get this kind of love. You will have to surrender and feel a little silly doing so.

But, once you start getting to know you, you will be ready to love others just as they are – wanting nothing in return. You won’t have to please them into friendship. You won’t, I promise!

Conclusion

Admitting defeat, repenting of sin, forgiving others and receiving love are 4 of the most challenging disciplines that I have had to practice. These steps are not easy.

I remember walking through these 4 steps for the first time, feeling like my life was a mess. I felt beyond repair! I cried a lot and I couldn’t see how God was working things out for good.

But God did work things out for good in my life. I am now surrounded by friends and family that love me, exactly how I am. I am honest with myself and others, about everything. What’s more, this blog post is proof that I am running after my dream to be a writer.

The truth is: you might have to walk through these 4 steps more than once. I still catch myself falling back into habits of people pleasing. But I pray you would know that, as you walk through the process of recovery, God is with you.

Here’s why you are walking through all of this: the bible promises a life of joy. But joy is impossible to access if you are living a life based on pleasing others. Every small step you take is not only seen by God, but it is a step towards joy beyond your wildest expectations.